Let me take a moment and preface this post with the following:
1.I know that everything my friends and loved ones say is meant to help.
2.I know it all comes from a place of love and that it eventually does help.
3.This is in no way an indictment of the kindness of those who love me. I appreciate and adore them and would be lost without them.
All that being said, let us begin.
My whole life I have had ups and downs emotionally. I range from depression to happiness like anyone else. As the years have passed I have found a way to crawl out of the depression in a more clear and healthy way. That doesn’t mean that I don’t still fall into the hole of it from time to time. It happens and I wallow for a bit and then usually move on.
This time it feels different. This time I feel as though I have hit the wall of my ability to have faith in the Universe. I know and still believe there is a plan behind it all. But as time goes on and things fall apart for me I have less and less faith that the Universe is going to come up with one big giant win for me. Maybe it will. Maybe it won’t. Problem is, I have a win. I’m happy. I’m going along and that nagging little voices is whispering in my ear “It won’t last. You know it’s all going to fall apart. You aren’t worthy of this happiness.” I have gotten much better at pushing that voice aside. But you know what? 9 out of 10 times that damn voice is RIGHT.
I feel humiliated by my blind faith in the Universe, by my going around saying this is great, this is going to work out. Im finally going to have the things that I want and be HAPPY. I ignored the little voice. I ignored my own gut instincts and I sit here, writing this and wondering about the point of it all. Yes Ce, I am having my very own existential crisis.
My friends are amazing, wonderfully strong and so supportive it makes me want to weep with joy at having been lucky enough to have found them. But they don’t know what to say. There is honestly nothing to BE said about it. What has happened to me in my life lately is what is happening. I cannot control it. I cannot ignore it. They cannot fix it. All they can do is love me and they do.
But I am sick of hearing the following phrases:
1.In the future, it’ll be easier (yes, I know this)
2.Their loss.
3.There is a plan and a lesson with this, as with everything.
4.You did the right thing
5.That right thing/person/alien life form will come along and you’ll be SO happy
The reason this stuff pisses me off? Because it doesn’t help me. It doesn’t soothe the pain and it doesn’t make me suddenly get up and say, “By God You are RIGHT! I feel better.” And that may not be the point. But its all that can be said to someone in pain. It doesn’t change the pain and it doesn’t make it go away. So I ask those that I love, don’t say it. Just love me and try to distract me from the pain I feel and let me just be in this space with it. I have lost my faith, I don’t know if it’ll come back because I can’t see that far ahead but it’s gone right now. I need to retreat for a bit and lick my wounds, wallow a bit and just sit with the pain and confusion that is inside me right now. I know this sounds melodramatic and really, I am quite aware things could be worse but the last month or so have been too much for me. Too many tests and too many painful realizations for me to continue on with my blind faith in the Universe.
It is all a leap of faith sure but I am too afraid to leap right now. I admit that with a heavy heart but I cannot be honest with myself without saying that. And I wont live in the fear forever, I know myself to well to lie like that as well but its what I need to do. My heart feels broken in a million pieces after so much pressure on it and it wasn’t one person who did this but many events and people over a period of time (and my own body breaking down in the last month) and I need to heal.
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