The impending nuptials of one of my very good friends - two actually, I kind of like the groom OK too :) has given me pause to think about the nature of love. Love for yourself, for others, for small furry critters (but not in a beastiality kind of way) love for the joy that is electricity, or really love for anyone or anything. I've been thinking about what actually makes up love, what does love really mean? These probably seem like super simple questions for my wonderful readers but for me they caused me a momentary pause because some of us, to some extent, take love for granted.
Now, now, don't get angry, I don't mean you don't appreciate the love you are given and the love you give but maybe you don't think about this love on a daily basis. Maybe you go through your day not once saying "I love you" to someone you really love or maybe you go through your day not thinking that people actually love you. Seriously, what a thing we are missing out on! Personally, if I pause for a minute to think about the love that is around me and the love I give out it staggers me. Seriously, no joking, I am brought to a standstill by the love in my midst.
And I'm not talking romantic love or family love, I'm just talking love. If I really sit down and take the time to think about the things I love, its almost too much to contemplate.
I love you, all of you. The people I dont even know, I love you. Because you care enough to take a few minutes out of your day to read my stupid blog. Because you take a few moments to maybe peruse my facebook page and maybe you think "Hey, her shits alright!"
When I was younger I thought love had to be dramatic, love had to be special and true and you had to "earn" love. When I was in my late twenties to the present day I realize that that is not true. I dont have to "earn" anyone's love, they have to earn mine. Not that this is hard to do, just be true to me and don't be a dick. Easy Peasy!
As a young lass I trusted too easily and got burned a few times, I fell in love (or so I thought) a few times and I got burned. There have been a couple who I thought I loved that treated me badly, abused me, made me feel like less than a person and that worst of all, I didn't "deserve" love of any kind.
I can truly think of no worse punishment than to feel like you don't deserve love. You can beat me, you can yell at me and you can say mean things to me but nothing anyone can do to me is worse than to make me feel undeserving of love. I lived a long time thinking I didn't deserve the love of my friends, my family, of any member of the male species. It was a terrible place to live, it was a place of fear and dark thoughts. I place of such terrible loneliness I thought I would die from it.
Instead, I found good friends, I found yoga. I found love!
For those years of pain and fear I should hate the man who did that to me but I can't. Truth be told wasn't just one man who did that to me, there were a few and some of them genuinly loved me. Some of them were sad and fucked up in their own way that made them incapable of knowing what love truly was and for them I am sad. For them I feel only pity.
And I finally move on.
I have my bad days, where I think, "My god, why does anyone even like me? I'm such a dick!" but I quickly realize my good outweighs my bad and that the reason my friends and my family love me is because I deserve it and I am a good person down inside where it counts (even if I get a bit dickish some days) and mostly because I love them with my whole heart.
And that, my friends, is no little thing.
With 4 Days before THE EVENT (aka The wedding of Tara & Andy) I want to simply say that I love you my friends and for each and every one of you I am so much more grateful than I could have ever hoped to be and I wish you all (myself included) a life of love and happiness.
And to T & A - I LOVE YOU GUYS!!!! I cannot wait for our day of celebration, I promise we won't stare at you too much.
Love, love and LOVE.
1 comment:
juice, we love you too:)
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