I bet you think this is going to be a post on VHS (do all you kids remember what those are?) and how annoying it used to be to have to rewind the dang tapes in order to watch the movie again or the fact that on VHS there were no super special "extras" with any movie you bought and if it was over 2 hours long you had to have TWO video tapes to contain it. Ahhhh...those were the days.
But alas, this post is not about that. This post is about the tapes in my head (or your head as it were) that roll on and on and ON about various things, some of my "Top Five" Tapes are as follows:
1. You are NOT good enough
2. You are boring
3. You are mean
4. Hungry...grumble (OK this one might actually be true)
5. There is NO WAY anyone will ever really love you.
They are in no particular order but those are the constant themes running rampant through my squirrely little brain. They are sometimes REALLY loud and sometimes they are non-existent but in no way are they ever gone. I spend a lot of time and effort trying to quiet the tapes and to keep them from taking over my every waking thought but there are some nights when I wake up around 2 or 3 o'clock in the morning and my heart is racing and my brain is going full tilt to crazy town and I can't quiet it no matter what I do or what I think. Those are the bad nights, the nights I wish I could just take a pill and knock myself out for a few more hours. Instead I have to sit with the thoughts and launch a counter attack that is often times only mildly effective in this "battle".
Does this make me sound crazy? Sure it does but I can guarantee at least one other person knows of what I speak if not all of you. One thing I have learned is that everyone has these tapes. Other people's tapes may say something different and they probably sound different too. I feel like mine are a creepy man with a deep voice ala Vincent Price cackling at me while he makes me feel bad. Some might have Minnie Mouse in their head or Megadeth screaming at them...doesn't matter, all the tapes boil down to the same idea - we are NOT our thoughts. We CAN conquer them and set them to rest, even if it is only temporarily. I have managed that over the last year or so and it feels really good when I can push them aside and really see what I am rather than what I think I am.
Some sure-fire methods (brought to me by my friend Bethdango) of quieting the tapes?
1. Counter-attack - whatever the voices say, say the positive of that statement. Example: "You aren't good enough." should be "You ARE good enough." and the like.
2. When in doubt take three breaths. Why three? Because that seems to be how long it takes to calm the tape down, quiet the voice, and be able to think of something, anything different. A good thing to think about? Puppies, Kittens, Sexy Men (or Women), Firecrackers or the word Pumpernickle. Any of these are sure to give you enough time to pause and realize that life is pretty funny and you are pretty swell.
Now, I realize that it is not always so easy as all this. I wrestled with this for YEARS before I finally started figuring out the counter measures and I STILL suffer from the tapes freaking me out and making me feel like crap. Even right now I feel anxious in my belly and have a tape running rampant in my head trying to convince me that I am doing wrong and being wrong by being who I am and by hoping for good things to come about. I know that these thoughts are silly and nonsensical but at the same time, I cannot help but wonder, what if the voices are right? What if I hope and hope and it all goes to shit?
Well then, I shall die(insert dramatic music here!).
Naaah I'm just screwing around. The thing is, if life hands me a shit sandwich and things don't go the way I want than thats the way it was meant to be. Then maybe it is yet one more step towards the right thing for me. I have to have faith or else I'll never move forward to where I want to be. That is not to say it will not suck major balls but I can't keep getting stuck on the "what if's" of every little thing. I'll get so bogged down that I won't enjoy the moment that is happening and unfolding right in front of me and that just seems dang silly.
So what should you take from this dear reader? I can't rightly say. I can only say what is coming out of my head and while it may seem like crazy talk to some and sense to another I can only speak what is my truth and what I know about that I got from T-Cup the other day when she rained a veritable list of compliments down upon me (and made me a wee bit uncomfortable) and I realized that she wouldn't say all that stuff to "be nice" - she actually meant it (this is not to say that all the compliments paid me by my other friends mean nothing so nobody panic) and that kind of blew my mind a little bit. Who knew I was so awesome?
I think that I actually did know that but somewhere along the way after miles and miles of being crapped on by people and by life i forgot it. So here I am, frantically trying to figure it all out again in a public forum. Go figure. Life's funny that way.
"Become quiet with the awareness that everything is you and you are everything. Meditate on yourself. Honor yourself. Understand yourself. God dwells within you as you." ~Swami Muktananda
Your task is not to seek for love,
but merely to seek and find all the barriers
within yourself that you have built against it.
~Rumi ♥
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