It has been a long day with surprise work tossed into it and I'm tired, so if this doesnt make sense I apologize. You might be wondering, "why is she writing her blog at 11pm if she is so tired?" and you would be asking a great question, the answer is - I need to write. It's been weeks and weeks since I have sat down and really written anything and I miss it. Like you might miss a favorite tv show or a loved one I miss my writing. This is a new feeling for me and maybe explains some of the anxiety I feel lately, I'm like a junkie without a fix, a peach cobbler without any peaches, a monkey without a grinder.
So what am I writing about today? Gosh, I just don't know. There are so many things swirling around this befuddled brain of mine that I'm not sure where to start. Do I start with Yoga Teacher Training (YTT) and all the changes it has already brought into my being? Do I talk about my friends wedding and how it has seemingly profoundly changed me on a level I'm not even sure I am 100% aware of? Or do I simply discuss the absolute panic I feel because I am running out of money and have mostly no job prospects?
Yeah, I know...lots to do, lots to say.
The job situation, yes it freaks me out, yes I am sad I have to borrow money from my parents because I can't seem to get this shit figured out but you know what? I feel confident that in the next month it is going to work out. My summer was pinpointed to one date, September 10th and I couldn't really think past it because there was so much to do and so much expectation. Now that it has passed I can think on other things, do other things. And that is a bittersweet feeling because that wedding, well boy...I dont know if I even have the words to explain how it changed me. I'll try and use some cliche's while I'm at it but honestly, it made me believe that love is possible. It comes in all shapes, all sizes and from all angles (don't be dirty, Im trying to make a profound point here!) but it seriously is all around us. Even when you are down in the deepest shithole of despair, even when you hate yourself and everyone around you there is friggin love somewhere in your life. Or at least, I hope so. I know in my life, it took me almost 32 years to realize that I am literally SURROUNDED by people who love me. Crazy huh? To have it right in front of your face and not see it? 32 years. I am baffled by my own obstuse-ness (is that a word?). But the good news is I found it, it found me and together we are mostly happy.
The best thing about being unemployed? Having the time to see myself for who I am without a job. I am not my job...come on repeat it with me kids...I AM NOT my job! I discovered that I am kind of cool, kind of smart and maybe even a little bit interesting. That I do, in fact, have a talent for writing and that I do, in fact, LOVE doing it. CocoNUTS I tell you. Maybe this isnt mind-blowing stuff for YOU but for me, well its pretty dang empowering.
Finally, YTT has been IN-Tense. I can't even really quite say what it is but just the act of diving in deeply to a yoga practice, to finding out WHY we do what we do and how a teacher goes about planning a class and learning what they need to know about this centuries old tradition. Fuck...it blows my mind. And makes me feel innately powerful in a way I have never felt in my entire life. I feel like I can take anything on and do so with complete honesty and integrity. And we are only 2 weekends in! Can you imagine this feeling at the end of the training in January? Im not sure who I am going to be by then but I gotta say that I cannot wait to meet her.
Life is a crazy thing, it takes you on rides you never thought in your wildest dreams you would go on but it also takes you into the depths of despair where you think you will be trapped forever. It strangles every last breath out of you without a second thought but it breathes life into you when you least expect it. It can take something as devastating as being lied to and turn it into a life changing experience and make you smarter, braver and happier than you ever thought you could be.
I heard this in a movie trailer the other day and I think it applies to all things life related, love, relationships, jobs, etc..."All you need is twenty seconds of insane courage and I promise you, something great will come of it."
I think that I've found my courage, have you found yours?
We need not be afraid to touch, to feel, to show emotion. The easiest thing in the world is to be what you are, what you feel. The hardest thing to be is what other people want you to be.
~ Leo Buscaglia Quotes
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