The Video Tapes...The Dang Video Tapes

I bet you think this is going to be a post on VHS (do all you kids remember what those are?) and how annoying it used to be to have to rewind the dang tapes in order to watch the movie again or the fact that on VHS there were no super special "extras" with any movie you bought and if it was over 2 hours long you had to have TWO video tapes to contain it. Ahhhh...those were the days.

But alas, this post is not about that. This post is about the tapes in my head (or your head as it were) that roll on and on and ON about various things, some of my "Top Five" Tapes are as follows:

1. You are NOT good enough
2. You are boring
3. You are mean
4. Hungry...grumble (OK this one might actually be true)
5. There is NO WAY anyone will ever really love you.

They are in no particular order but those are the constant themes running rampant through my squirrely little brain. They are sometimes REALLY loud and sometimes they are non-existent but in no way are they ever gone. I spend a lot of time and effort trying to quiet the tapes and to keep them from taking over my every waking thought but there are some nights when I wake up around 2 or 3 o'clock in the morning and my heart is racing and my brain is going full tilt to crazy town and I can't quiet it no matter what I do or what I think. Those are the bad nights, the nights I wish I could just take a pill and knock myself out for a few more hours. Instead I have to sit with the thoughts and launch a counter attack that is often times only mildly effective in this "battle".

Does this make me sound crazy? Sure it does but I can guarantee at least one other person knows of what I speak if not all of you. One thing I have learned is that everyone has these tapes. Other people's tapes may say something different and they probably sound different too. I feel like mine are a creepy man with a deep voice ala Vincent Price cackling at me while he makes me feel bad. Some might have Minnie Mouse in their head or Megadeth screaming at them...doesn't matter, all the tapes boil down to the same idea - we are NOT our thoughts. We CAN conquer them and set them to rest, even if it is only temporarily. I have managed that over the last year or so and it feels really good when I can push them aside and really see what I am rather than what I think I am.

Some sure-fire methods (brought to me by my friend Bethdango) of quieting the tapes?

1. Counter-attack - whatever the voices say, say the positive of that statement. Example: "You aren't good enough." should be "You ARE good enough." and the like.

2. When in doubt take three breaths. Why three? Because that seems to be how long it takes to calm the tape down, quiet the voice, and be able to think of something, anything different. A good thing to think about? Puppies, Kittens, Sexy Men (or Women), Firecrackers or the word Pumpernickle. Any of these are sure to give you enough time to pause and realize that life is pretty funny and you are pretty swell.

Now, I realize that it is not always so easy as all this. I wrestled with this for YEARS before I finally started figuring out the counter measures and I STILL suffer from the tapes freaking me out and making me feel like crap. Even right now I feel anxious in my belly and have a tape running rampant in my head trying to convince me that I am doing wrong and being wrong by being who I am and by hoping for good things to come about. I know that these thoughts are silly and nonsensical but at the same time, I cannot help but wonder, what if the voices are right? What if I hope and hope and it all goes to shit?

Well then, I shall die(insert dramatic music here!).

Naaah I'm just screwing around. The thing is, if life hands me a shit sandwich and things don't go the way I want than thats the way it was meant to be. Then maybe it is yet one more step towards the right thing for me. I have to have faith or else I'll never move forward to where I want to be. That is not to say it will not suck major balls but I can't keep getting stuck on the "what if's" of every little thing. I'll get so bogged down that I won't enjoy the moment that is happening and unfolding right in front of me and that just seems dang silly.

So what should you take from this dear reader? I can't rightly say. I can only say what is coming out of my head and while it may seem like crazy talk to some and sense to another I can only speak what is my truth and what I know about that I got from T-Cup the other day when she rained a veritable list of compliments down upon me (and made me a wee bit uncomfortable) and I realized that she wouldn't say all that stuff to "be nice" - she actually meant it (this is not to say that all the compliments paid me by my other friends mean nothing so nobody panic) and that kind of blew my mind a little bit. Who knew I was so awesome?

I think that I actually did know that but somewhere along the way after miles and miles of being crapped on by people and by life i forgot it. So here I am, frantically trying to figure it all out again in a public forum. Go figure. Life's funny that way.

"Become quiet with the awareness that everything is you and you are everything. Meditate on yourself. Honor yourself. Understand yourself. God dwells within you as you." ~Swami Muktananda

Your task is not to seek for love,
but merely to seek and find all the barriers
within yourself that you have built against it.
~Rumi ♥

Rawr Baby. Rawr.

It has been a long day with surprise work tossed into it and I'm tired, so if this doesnt make sense I apologize. You might be wondering, "why is she writing her blog at 11pm if she is so tired?" and you would be asking a great question, the answer is - I need to write. It's been weeks and weeks since I have sat down and really written anything and I miss it. Like you might miss a favorite tv show or a loved one I miss my writing. This is a new feeling for me and maybe explains some of the anxiety I feel lately, I'm like a junkie without a fix, a peach cobbler without any peaches, a monkey without a grinder.

So what am I writing about today? Gosh, I just don't know. There are so many things swirling around this befuddled brain of mine that I'm not sure where to start. Do I start with Yoga Teacher Training (YTT) and all the changes it has already brought into my being? Do I talk about my friends wedding and how it has seemingly profoundly changed me on a level I'm not even sure I am 100% aware of? Or do I simply discuss the absolute panic I feel because I am running out of money and have mostly no job prospects?

Yeah, I know...lots to do, lots to say.

The job situation, yes it freaks me out, yes I am sad I have to borrow money from my parents because I can't seem to get this shit figured out but you know what? I feel confident that in the next month it is going to work out. My summer was pinpointed to one date, September 10th and I couldn't really think past it because there was so much to do and so much expectation. Now that it has passed I can think on other things, do other things. And that is a bittersweet feeling because that wedding, well boy...I dont know if I even have the words to explain how it changed me. I'll try and use some cliche's while I'm at it but honestly, it made me believe that love is possible. It comes in all shapes, all sizes and from all angles (don't be dirty, Im trying to make a profound point here!) but it seriously is all around us. Even when you are down in the deepest shithole of despair, even when you hate yourself and everyone around you there is friggin love somewhere in your life. Or at least, I hope so. I know in my life, it took me almost 32 years to realize that I am literally SURROUNDED by people who love me. Crazy huh? To have it right in front of your face and not see it? 32 years. I am baffled by my own obstuse-ness (is that a word?). But the good news is I found it, it found me and together we are mostly happy.

The best thing about being unemployed? Having the time to see myself for who I am without a job. I am not my job...come on repeat it with me kids...I AM NOT my job! I discovered that I am kind of cool, kind of smart and maybe even a little bit interesting. That I do, in fact, have a talent for writing and that I do, in fact, LOVE doing it. CocoNUTS I tell you. Maybe this isnt mind-blowing stuff for YOU but for me, well its pretty dang empowering.

Finally, YTT has been IN-Tense. I can't even really quite say what it is but just the act of diving in deeply to a yoga practice, to finding out WHY we do what we do and how a teacher goes about planning a class and learning what they need to know about this centuries old tradition. Fuck...it blows my mind. And makes me feel innately powerful in a way I have never felt in my entire life. I feel like I can take anything on and do so with complete honesty and integrity. And we are only 2 weekends in! Can you imagine this feeling at the end of the training in January? Im not sure who I am going to be by then but I gotta say that I cannot wait to meet her.

Life is a crazy thing, it takes you on rides you never thought in your wildest dreams you would go on but it also takes you into the depths of despair where you think you will be trapped forever. It strangles every last breath out of you without a second thought but it breathes life into you when you least expect it. It can take something as devastating as being lied to and turn it into a life changing experience and make you smarter, braver and happier than you ever thought you could be.

I heard this in a movie trailer the other day and I think it applies to all things life related, love, relationships, jobs, etc..."All you need is twenty seconds of insane courage and I promise you, something great will come of it."

I think that I've found my courage, have you found yours?

We need not be afraid to touch, to feel, to show emotion. The easiest thing in the world is to be what you are, what you feel. The hardest thing to be is what other people want you to be.
~ Leo Buscaglia Quotes

It's an interesting day in the neighborhood...

Well faithful reader it has been a crazy, exhausting and fantastic week. Two good friends were married on a gorgeous September day and it really was THE BEST DAY EVER and now we are all "suffering" from fun withdrawal, what a weird and fantastic thing to "suffer" from.

Anyway...

On top of all this love-filled goodness I am quickly approaching weekend numero two of my Teacher Training (aka YTT) and I am super excited. The first weekend was cut short by the mean tempered and ill conceived Irene but I have high hopes that this weekend will run in its butt-kicking entirety which fills me both with happiness (like, OMIGOD I'm gonna be a YOGA TEACHER) and terror (like, OMIGOD, I'm gonna be a YOGA TEACHER) which is great.

It seems all my time spent working on fixing what was "wrong" with me has left me here, as is, and braver than I thought possible. It's kind of cool. I mean, I'm not tap dancing in the streets perfection but I'm doing alright for a 32 year old unemployed English major.

Now, if only I could get a freakin job...that would really assist me with lowering some of the super stress levels that are going on in my body and brain. I have to hope that there is an ultimate plan...wait, not hope so much as KNOW that there is a plan in store and that if I just keep on keepin' on like I have been that all will be revealed in typical dramatic fashion.

I look forward to it. I really do. If it could just hurry up that would be great. I mean, I am a patient woman but its been months now that I've been out of work so a little bit of something would be super duper awesome like totally bitchin fan-freakin-tastic.

Anytime now...seriously.

So with that all said I leave you my faithful reader (your faithful blogger is T I R E D today) and hope that your week goes along at breakneck fantabulous speed and that all your caviar wishes and champagne dreams come true.

Peace.

Whats Love Got to do With It? In Celebration of THE EVENT!

The impending nuptials of one of my very good friends - two actually, I kind of like the groom OK too :) has given me pause to think about the nature of love. Love for yourself, for others, for small furry critters (but not in a beastiality kind of way) love for the joy that is electricity, or really love for anyone or anything. I've been thinking about what actually makes up love, what does love really mean? These probably seem like super simple questions for my wonderful readers but for me they caused me a momentary pause because some of us, to some extent, take love for granted.

Now, now, don't get angry, I don't mean you don't appreciate the love you are given and the love you give but maybe you don't think about this love on a daily basis. Maybe you go through your day not once saying "I love you" to someone you really love or maybe you go through your day not thinking that people actually love you. Seriously, what a thing we are missing out on! Personally, if I pause for a minute to think about the love that is around me and the love I give out it staggers me. Seriously, no joking, I am brought to a standstill by the love in my midst.

And I'm not talking romantic love or family love, I'm just talking love. If I really sit down and take the time to think about the things I love, its almost too much to contemplate.
I love you, all of you. The people I dont even know, I love you. Because you care enough to take a few minutes out of your day to read my stupid blog. Because you take a few moments to maybe peruse my facebook page and maybe you think "Hey, her shits alright!"

When I was younger I thought love had to be dramatic, love had to be special and true and you had to "earn" love. When I was in my late twenties to the present day I realize that that is not true. I dont have to "earn" anyone's love, they have to earn mine. Not that this is hard to do, just be true to me and don't be a dick. Easy Peasy!

As a young lass I trusted too easily and got burned a few times, I fell in love (or so I thought) a few times and I got burned. There have been a couple who I thought I loved that treated me badly, abused me, made me feel like less than a person and that worst of all, I didn't "deserve" love of any kind.

I can truly think of no worse punishment than to feel like you don't deserve love. You can beat me, you can yell at me and you can say mean things to me but nothing anyone can do to me is worse than to make me feel undeserving of love. I lived a long time thinking I didn't deserve the love of my friends, my family, of any member of the male species. It was a terrible place to live, it was a place of fear and dark thoughts. I place of such terrible loneliness I thought I would die from it.

Instead, I found good friends, I found yoga. I found love!

For those years of pain and fear I should hate the man who did that to me but I can't. Truth be told wasn't just one man who did that to me, there were a few and some of them genuinly loved me. Some of them were sad and fucked up in their own way that made them incapable of knowing what love truly was and for them I am sad. For them I feel only pity.

And I finally move on.

I have my bad days, where I think, "My god, why does anyone even like me? I'm such a dick!" but I quickly realize my good outweighs my bad and that the reason my friends and my family love me is because I deserve it and I am a good person down inside where it counts (even if I get a bit dickish some days) and mostly because I love them with my whole heart.

And that, my friends, is no little thing.

With 4 Days before THE EVENT (aka The wedding of Tara & Andy) I want to simply say that I love you my friends and for each and every one of you I am so much more grateful than I could have ever hoped to be and I wish you all (myself included) a life of love and happiness.

And to T & A - I LOVE YOU GUYS!!!! I cannot wait for our day of celebration, I promise we won't stare at you too much.

Love, love and LOVE.

Illness, PMS and YTT...OH MY!

Hi Cats and Kittens!

Its been a wild and wooly week for your favorite blogger (shhh it doesn't have to be true)! My week last week started off with a weird stomach bug that I at first thought was the result of a hangover from a fabulous par-tay, the hangover theory proved wrong quickly when I kept getting ill all week. As I was rounding the bend towards health I was blessed with my monthly visit from Aunt Flo and that quickly transcended into unpleasant cramps and annoying fatigue. Then my long awaited first weekend of Yoga Teacher Training (YTT)!!! The weekend was amazing, I am terrified of becoming a teacher and have my doubts about my abilities in said teaching field but this weekend made me feel so peaceful, so at home and where I should be that I couldnt help but feel complete confidence in the Universe that I was doing EXACTLY what I was meant to do. Exciting is not a big enough word to encompass that feeling but I think ya'll get the drift.

Then came dang Irene! She got in the way of the third day of the 3 day weekend and my roomate, her 2 boys (ages 4 and 7) and I had to evacuate to my parents house for 2 VERY long days. It was stressful not knowing what was going on with my house and even more stressful keeping two little ones under control for two days in a foreign household (to them at least) but we all made it through and we made our way home that Monday to find our house just fine but without electricity (like so many others!). It was a relief and annoying all at the same time. We quickly discovered that after it gets dark that no matter how many candles you have, its not enough to keep you entertained for long so bed at 9pm it was!

The week went on and I mooched electricity and showers at my parents house until Thursday night when our power was restored! So happy were we that we did a dance and then turned on ALL the lights to celebrate. I will never take electricity for granted again!

And here we are, up to date with my doings, tonight is my very dear friend Tara's bachelorette party (her wedding is in ONE WEEK!) and I get to celebrate with almost all of my favorite people (the only exception being my beloved Jenny in New Orleans, dealing with Tropical Storm Lee) and I am very excited!

There is lots going on in my life and I feel good about almost every part of it (the exceptions being the not having a job and quickly running out of funds and of course, the every annoying non-existent love life but I can live with both being bland...for now). Life is good and I feel blessed in so many ways.

Oh and I finally finished proofing the first draft of my book! Soon I shall send those first 122 pages to my favorite editor friend (Jane!) for a looksie and at some point (when life settles a bit after the wedding) I shall hopefully write the exciting conclusion! Maybe this will be my million dollar idea? You never know!


Until next time America.

Love, Lights and Red Hot Chili Pepper Goodness.