My whole life I have fought with myself.
My whole. Damn. Life.
This is not to say that my life is over, on the contrary I believe that it is only just beginning at the age of 32 because for the first time in all my life, I am no longer fighting with myself. I'm not dancing in the streets, perfectly happy though, far from it actually. I am, however, much closer to that than I was 10-15 years ago.
I realized something in the last month as I sit out an unknown time of unemployment fear. I am wholly in control of what I do next. I have no real responsibility. I can pick my fate, choose my destiny, blah blah blah.
It terrifies the ever-loving shit out of me.
And then I got over it.
I realized this morning that while this past summer has been terrifying, exciting and stressful it has also been some of the best time I have ever spent on my own. I havent descended into madness as it were, I havent gotten depressed or mean or just plain uncertain. I also havent taken a job that means nothing to me. I am working towards something bigger and better and whats even more important, I am working towards shaping a life for myself that is RIGHT for me.
Super exciting.
And you want to know what helped me find this magical moment? Three things.
1. Gene Wilder
2. Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory (aka Charlie & the Chocolate Factory)
3. Pure Imagination
Not even kidding. I dare you to watch or listen to this and NOT feel something about it!
So my point? Life isnt all sadness. There is so much more laughter in it than I thought there would be, even if it took me 32 years to figure that out.
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
Friday, August 12, 2011
How was your summer? Mine was bizarre.
OK I realize that summer is not yet over, we still have many weeks of summer fun and warm weather but I was sitting here thinking about how people keep asking me "How's your summer going?" and I have no other answer than "Weirdly." Because that is the utter truth of it. My summer has been bizarre!
I have been mostly out of work now for almost 3 months with no signs of a job on the horizon. Luckily for me my old job has been in need of lots of help so that has kept me in a very modest income that makes me feel like 20% safer and more secure. But that safety net is about to run out soon and that TERRIFY's me. What the hell am I going to do? Because truth be told I kind of like being unemployed. Not the loneliness but the time to myself, the time to write my book and the time to relax a bit and rest. I havent been unemployed since I was in my teens and this is way scarier than that ever was (mostly because I lived with my parents and had no bills).
I am going to submit my application to become a substitute teacher but that takes time and what if they dont want me? I mean, lets face it, many employers don't seem to want to employ me. Whether it is because of my tattoo's or my lack or overabundance of experience I do not know. Just ONCE I would love it if a prospective employer would sit down and tell me WHY they didn't want to hire me so I could work on whatever it is that they don't like and possibly get hired.
I think the other issue is that I don't just want "any old job" I want to do something that MATTERS for once in my life. If I am not going to get married or have kids then I need to have a career that makes me happy. Now, I'm not saying I have this plan to not get married or have kids but as each year passes that life slips further and further from my grasp and while it makes me sad I am also making my peace with it and realizing that having a mate does not mean everything. I have a life FULL of love from family and good good friends so I can be satisfied with that.
If I have a career that makes me happy as well.
So I write my book and hope it doesnt suck (so far my "readers" have said its pretty good) and I start Yoga Teacher Training in a couple weeks so that is exciting for me and possibly I am embarking on a world of Substitute Teaching where I can hang out with kids and be tortured by them but also know that this is something I might really like to do (cuz it feels right ya know?).
So I sit here typing and I hope for the best because whatever else goes on with me, I know I made the right decision to leave my job and jump into the abyss. If nothing else goes the way I plan that was the best decision I ever made. But I don't think things will go "off plan" I think the universe is hanging with me right now, holding on to me and letting me have this time to do the things I need to do to make the life I want.
Thats all I have this week. Much love, sunshine, funky dance moves, my most serious face and passion for you all.
I have been mostly out of work now for almost 3 months with no signs of a job on the horizon. Luckily for me my old job has been in need of lots of help so that has kept me in a very modest income that makes me feel like 20% safer and more secure. But that safety net is about to run out soon and that TERRIFY's me. What the hell am I going to do? Because truth be told I kind of like being unemployed. Not the loneliness but the time to myself, the time to write my book and the time to relax a bit and rest. I havent been unemployed since I was in my teens and this is way scarier than that ever was (mostly because I lived with my parents and had no bills).
I am going to submit my application to become a substitute teacher but that takes time and what if they dont want me? I mean, lets face it, many employers don't seem to want to employ me. Whether it is because of my tattoo's or my lack or overabundance of experience I do not know. Just ONCE I would love it if a prospective employer would sit down and tell me WHY they didn't want to hire me so I could work on whatever it is that they don't like and possibly get hired.
I think the other issue is that I don't just want "any old job" I want to do something that MATTERS for once in my life. If I am not going to get married or have kids then I need to have a career that makes me happy. Now, I'm not saying I have this plan to not get married or have kids but as each year passes that life slips further and further from my grasp and while it makes me sad I am also making my peace with it and realizing that having a mate does not mean everything. I have a life FULL of love from family and good good friends so I can be satisfied with that.
If I have a career that makes me happy as well.
So I write my book and hope it doesnt suck (so far my "readers" have said its pretty good) and I start Yoga Teacher Training in a couple weeks so that is exciting for me and possibly I am embarking on a world of Substitute Teaching where I can hang out with kids and be tortured by them but also know that this is something I might really like to do (cuz it feels right ya know?).
So I sit here typing and I hope for the best because whatever else goes on with me, I know I made the right decision to leave my job and jump into the abyss. If nothing else goes the way I plan that was the best decision I ever made. But I don't think things will go "off plan" I think the universe is hanging with me right now, holding on to me and letting me have this time to do the things I need to do to make the life I want.
Thats all I have this week. Much love, sunshine, funky dance moves, my most serious face and passion for you all.
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
Let It Out and Move On/They Say Life Carries On...So Says Peter Gabriel.
Greetings Dear Reader (or Readers?)!
My life is strange these last few months. I cannot even fully grasp what the hell I'm doing right now other than I gave up on the job search a few weeks ago and am hoping a plan I have might bear the fruit I need and steer me onto the street of a fun and fulfilling career.
Are you confused? Let me explain my two step plan (after all, I did promise an "exciting" announcement last week in my post...unless you want to try and guess yourself? I'll give you a few minutes.
...
...
...
OK I gave you 3 guesses...did you figure it out yet?
If you guessed that I was going to be a circus performer, foot model or prostitute you are sadly wrong on all counts (I know, its disappointing, but take heart!).
I have put into action this week two things:
1.) I am going to attempt to become a substitute teacher! I tried this once before but before I could even try to sub I got a full time job and as I was in my early 20's I figured the kids in school would have made me cry. Being a world weary and street smart (ha) 32 I think I can handle the little idiots and keep them from jumping out a window and/or drawing on each other. I think it'll be fun and somewhat lucrative as you can get paid nice amounts for just one day of work. I like the uncertainty of it and the constant change that would be part of my day to day work. I am doing this to see if I really do want to be a teacher one day. I have the bachelor's in English, I would need a 2-year Teaching degree that is easily getable from any of our fine schools of learning in RI. But I dont want to spend the moola on school and find I hate teaching. I feel like this gives me experience, money and the time to see if teaching is for me. I think back to my childhood and I was always pretending to be a teacher but somehow I got sidetracked by doing...well, nothing. So now is my time. I am unattached, kidless and ready to try and find my career.
2.) I am officially registered for Yoga Teacher Training starting on August 26th! I no longer work at All That Matters and I love Coral Brown so I figured, now is them time! She is offering a 200-hr certification starting in August and ending in January. I love yoga, I love every dang thing about it and as this also relates to my want to teach I figured, why the hell not? Again, I am kidless and with very little in the way of responsibility so now is the time.
Both of these things combined make me feel very hopeful of my future. I feel deep in my soul that it is the "right" thing to do and therefore, I am crossing all crossable limbs and hoping for the best and most fun outcome.
Who knows? Maybe one day I'll own my own studio and more than five people will read my blog! A girl can dream right?
So that is my news for this week. I hope to hear from you and I hope you all manage to keep from being eaten by sharks (contrary to some opinions, sharks are NOT out to get us, we have too many bones and surfboards are chewy and tasteless) and to enjoy every dang day.
"Life carries on in the people I meet..." - gotta love Peter Gabriel.
Until next time America.
My life is strange these last few months. I cannot even fully grasp what the hell I'm doing right now other than I gave up on the job search a few weeks ago and am hoping a plan I have might bear the fruit I need and steer me onto the street of a fun and fulfilling career.
Are you confused? Let me explain my two step plan (after all, I did promise an "exciting" announcement last week in my post...unless you want to try and guess yourself? I'll give you a few minutes.
...
...
...
OK I gave you 3 guesses...did you figure it out yet?
If you guessed that I was going to be a circus performer, foot model or prostitute you are sadly wrong on all counts (I know, its disappointing, but take heart!).
I have put into action this week two things:
1.) I am going to attempt to become a substitute teacher! I tried this once before but before I could even try to sub I got a full time job and as I was in my early 20's I figured the kids in school would have made me cry. Being a world weary and street smart (ha) 32 I think I can handle the little idiots and keep them from jumping out a window and/or drawing on each other. I think it'll be fun and somewhat lucrative as you can get paid nice amounts for just one day of work. I like the uncertainty of it and the constant change that would be part of my day to day work. I am doing this to see if I really do want to be a teacher one day. I have the bachelor's in English, I would need a 2-year Teaching degree that is easily getable from any of our fine schools of learning in RI. But I dont want to spend the moola on school and find I hate teaching. I feel like this gives me experience, money and the time to see if teaching is for me. I think back to my childhood and I was always pretending to be a teacher but somehow I got sidetracked by doing...well, nothing. So now is my time. I am unattached, kidless and ready to try and find my career.
2.) I am officially registered for Yoga Teacher Training starting on August 26th! I no longer work at All That Matters and I love Coral Brown so I figured, now is them time! She is offering a 200-hr certification starting in August and ending in January. I love yoga, I love every dang thing about it and as this also relates to my want to teach I figured, why the hell not? Again, I am kidless and with very little in the way of responsibility so now is the time.
Both of these things combined make me feel very hopeful of my future. I feel deep in my soul that it is the "right" thing to do and therefore, I am crossing all crossable limbs and hoping for the best and most fun outcome.
Who knows? Maybe one day I'll own my own studio and more than five people will read my blog! A girl can dream right?
So that is my news for this week. I hope to hear from you and I hope you all manage to keep from being eaten by sharks (contrary to some opinions, sharks are NOT out to get us, we have too many bones and surfboards are chewy and tasteless) and to enjoy every dang day.
"Life carries on in the people I meet..." - gotta love Peter Gabriel.
Until next time America.
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