I decided on the feeling of uselessness. That feeling we all get once in awhile as people we care about run about frantically trying to get shit done or when people we love are hurt or hurting and we don’t know how to help them or love them. Yeah, that useless feeling is abundant in my life right now. I feel wasted, unimportant and a waste of space.
Let me first clarify that I am not saying useless and meaning suicidal or depressed. Far from it. I am more saying that my uselessness stems from not having a job that matters. Form not having a job really. From sitting around all day playing with my blog that has about 4 readers (if I am lucky) and from not making any money or contributing to society in any way.
I never realized that having a job is what made me feel useful in the world. It made me feel like I was contributing in some small way to the world at large and therefore making my presence in the world worthwhile. Now that I am unemployed I have this emptiness in my life that I didn’t know could exist. I have no reason to get up in the morning, no reason to go through each day with purpose. Instead of waking up early, getting dressed and going off to the office, I wake up at any hour I choose, make a nice cup of coffee and watch tv for a bit before showering (mostly because I feel sleepy and unclean otherwise) and setteling down to apply for jobs and/or do some work for my former employer.
I tell people I am a writer, but really am I? I don’t write anything right now. I feel uninspired and tired honestly. I don’t want to sit in front of the computer and think about creative stuff. I don’t feel creative in any way. But then Tuesday rolls around and I think, oh its time to post a blog and there I go, sitting in front of the computer… thinking again. Im a funny creature really.
I suppose I have tons of options, tons of avenues to explore but I am uncertain. I am unsure which road I want to travel but even as I type this I feel that as a lie. I do know what I want to do, I want to write, to be successful and be my own boss in a creative way. I want to make collages (like the very silly but quite interesting one I am creating on our bathroom wall)
and I want to be creative every single day of my life. I don’t want to work in an office, suffering the whims of some crazy ass boss who is miserable and looking to inflict misery on their employees.
So I guess I need to pep talk my own sweet self into doing what I want to do rather than just talking about what I want to do. I will admit to being lazy and forging a career as a writer means a certain amount of hard work on my part but I have some great peeps in my life who would be willing to help me out if I just attempted to try.
Hmmm…trying. That’s a tough one for me. I always fear trying because the failure sucks and so very often I have failed but if you flip the coin there is a lot of success in their too. I mean really, there are people out their attempting things WAY harder than my little dream of being a writer. There are people attempting to stay alive in war zones, people attempting to keep their families safe in suburban towns. There are so many more struggling than myself. But in the end each of our lives are about us so I guess it’s OK to be a little bit selfish with it. More I want you to realize Dear Reader, that I am aware of the other side of things, I do have perspective. I am not entirely a selfish asshole.
Not entirely.
It’s a slippery slope spending so much time alone. It makes you sit with yourself in all sorts of kooky ways and spending so much time alone means you spend so very much time with yourself (gasp).
Well good or bad I guess I should actually do something about my dreams eh?
Until next time America.
Peace, love and 300 Spartans in their leather diapers.
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