I just don't know.

What should we talk about today sweetlings? I was contemplating my blog today as I often do on Tuesday's and I realized that being unemployed is a boring topic of blog-conversation (as it is a boring topic of conversation to all my wonderful friends who put up with my moaning and groaning with valor and kindness. Thank you for that friends) so what else could I talk about? Being unemployed is really the center of my being at the moment and I hope each day for a phone call about a good job, a great job or perhaps the perfect job. None of those have come...yet.

But that is not what I wish to speak of today. Today I want to talk about something else, but what? I just watched all three Lord of the Rings movies and each time they move me in different ways, dependent I guess on my feelings at the time of viewing. This time the hope of all the characters moved me as did their bravery. Tolkien was a visionary (if a bit dry) and a lover of nature (duh) and a hater of the industrial revolution (a second duh) and I cannot fault that. I look around these days and am slightly disgusted by the computer/cell phone/ipads/tablets that seem to have taken over our world. We are a purely digital world and human contact seems to have flown out the window.

Now, do not think that by saying the above that I do not see the irony of someone blogging on a computer about how annoying computers are. I love them in their own way and for the way they keep us in touch but I also hate them for the way they keep us in touch. Some days I turn off my phone for the whole day just so that I can be at peace and let me tell ya, its glorious.

I have forgotten my point here in my mini-rant...oh yes, I didn't really have one so I shall now discuss Nature. Yep, good ole nature, the outdoors, bugs, dirt, spiders (shudder) and all that "goodness" (those that know me know I am being sarcastic slightly). As much as I find being hot and covered in bugs unlikeable I do love nature. I love sitting outside while a breeze dries the sweat on my face and the birds sing their songs. I love standing outside on a clear night and seeing the stars and feeling so tiny it is almost painful. I love sitting by the ocean, watching the endless tides roll in and out. It stirs some old humanity in me that I have forgotten. It makes me wish for a different time when all the jobs I am qualified for weren't computer-centric. It makes me wish my life had taken a different path to where I could be outside. It makes me wish I were a little bit braver.

But I am afraid like the rest of us. I took this step into the unknown thinking someone or some job would catch me right away. That didn't happen and here I sit, day after day, searching for jobs. Getting responses that are 60% scams, 20% crappy jobs I would never want to do and 20% legitmate jobs that don't want me after I interview. It bruises the soul and makes me wish I had never given my notice.

But there is that other part of me that is so ETERNALLY GRATEFUL that I quit. I am so grateful to be out of that world and onto something else...something possibly more exciting.

Uh oh...here I go talking about my unemployment again! I'm so self-centered. I apologize my dear (and few) readers. It seems I cannot start on any path that does not seem to lead to what my life is like right now. Once again my apologies. It cannot be helped and since this is my blog I guess I'll write what I dang well please! (but don't think I don't appreciate you reading it. Thank you!)

As a wise hobbit once said, "It's a dangerous business, going out your door. You step onto the road, and if you don't keep your feet, there's no telling where you might be swept off to." So I stepped out the door of what I knew and am trying to keep my feet until I find my way. Its tiring, its stressful and it's kind of fun.

Yeah, I'm waxing poetical. Again, it's my blog, I'll do what I please. Thank you very much.

Anyway, this post today is meandering into the incomprehensible and perhaps pointless so let me say one last thing. What I want to get across is four things:

1. Don't be afraid to jump into nothing
2. Do your best to enjoy the down time (I'm working on this one)
3. Do not take candy from strangers, unless it's skittles. Never be afraid to taste the rainbow.
4. Find a nice hobbit hole to live in and stay there for life. Seriously, where can I find one of these? If I ever become a rich, successful writer, I am so building a hobbit hole.

Love, Light and Donut holes.

I Call You Chicken Sir!

I have been pondering what I should write about today. I have entertained you (hopefully) you all with tales of my job search, yogic behavior and my love for my former job, amongst other fascinating tales. I gave a few book reviews and spent some time waxing philosophical. What more can I write about?

I decided on the feeling of uselessness. That feeling we all get once in awhile as people we care about run about frantically trying to get shit done or when people we love are hurt or hurting and we don’t know how to help them or love them. Yeah, that useless feeling is abundant in my life right now. I feel wasted, unimportant and a waste of space.

Let me first clarify that I am not saying useless and meaning suicidal or depressed. Far from it. I am more saying that my uselessness stems from not having a job that matters. Form not having a job really. From sitting around all day playing with my blog that has about 4 readers (if I am lucky) and from not making any money or contributing to society in any way.

I never realized that having a job is what made me feel useful in the world. It made me feel like I was contributing in some small way to the world at large and therefore making my presence in the world worthwhile. Now that I am unemployed I have this emptiness in my life that I didn’t know could exist. I have no reason to get up in the morning, no reason to go through each day with purpose. Instead of waking up early, getting dressed and going off to the office, I wake up at any hour I choose, make a nice cup of coffee and watch tv for a bit before showering (mostly because I feel sleepy and unclean otherwise) and setteling down to apply for jobs and/or do some work for my former employer.

I tell people I am a writer, but really am I? I don’t write anything right now. I feel uninspired and tired honestly. I don’t want to sit in front of the computer and think about creative stuff. I don’t feel creative in any way. But then Tuesday rolls around and I think, oh its time to post a blog and there I go, sitting in front of the computer… thinking again. Im a funny creature really.

I suppose I have tons of options, tons of avenues to explore but I am uncertain. I am unsure which road I want to travel but even as I type this I feel that as a lie. I do know what I want to do, I want to write, to be successful and be my own boss in a creative way. I want to make collages (like the very silly but quite interesting one I am creating on our bathroom wall)

and I want to be creative every single day of my life. I don’t want to work in an office, suffering the whims of some crazy ass boss who is miserable and looking to inflict misery on their employees.

So I guess I need to pep talk my own sweet self into doing what I want to do rather than just talking about what I want to do. I will admit to being lazy and forging a career as a writer means a certain amount of hard work on my part but I have some great peeps in my life who would be willing to help me out if I just attempted to try.

Hmmm…trying. That’s a tough one for me. I always fear trying because the failure sucks and so very often I have failed but if you flip the coin there is a lot of success in their too. I mean really, there are people out their attempting things WAY harder than my little dream of being a writer. There are people attempting to stay alive in war zones, people attempting to keep their families safe in suburban towns. There are so many more struggling than myself. But in the end each of our lives are about us so I guess it’s OK to be a little bit selfish with it. More I want you to realize Dear Reader, that I am aware of the other side of things, I do have perspective. I am not entirely a selfish asshole.

Not entirely.

It’s a slippery slope spending so much time alone. It makes you sit with yourself in all sorts of kooky ways and spending so much time alone means you spend so very much time with yourself (gasp).

Well good or bad I guess I should actually do something about my dreams eh?

Until next time America.

Peace, love and 300 Spartans in their leather diapers.

That's not very Yogic

Ugh...the title of this blog just annoys me! And I have been just as guilty of saying that phrase as any one I know. While it annoys me I still can’t seem to help but make that observation from time to time.

Some of you may be asking, what the hell is Juice talking about? Has she lost her mind? Fallen off her rocker? Taken a dive into the seas of insanity?

The answer, dear readers, is yes to all of these things. But that is a whole other kettle of monkeys so lets try to keep to the topic at hand.

To illuminate the "masses", some yogi’s say that other people’s behavior is considered “not yogic”, meaning, it is not peaceful, kind or calm (I find it to mean that someone has annoyed you so you tell them they aren’t yogic – but that’s just me people).

An example:

THE SCENARIO: Someone in a yoga class is breathing as good or better than Darth Vader ever could.

THE OUTCOME: Some students may become frustrated or angry with this Hoover vacuum sounding person.

YOGIC OR NOT YOGIC?: That type of anger is considered "not very yogic". Why? Well because a yoga class is supposed to be full of serene, happy, mellow people who would never notice a loud breather if they sat in your lap face-to-face and yelled, "HEY! Listen to me breathe! Isn’t it cool?!"

MY THOUGHTS: Aww F&%k it people! It's a class full of yogic peeps not freakin GURU's! We are all beautiful flawed, wonderfully wacky people who have quirks, bad days, good days, pissy wanna stomp out humanity days and on some of those days a loud breather makes you want to pick them up and throw them out of the yoga studio. Be at peace with that anger, do not judge (because my little kiddies, THAT is the worst yogic attitude to have) and live and let live. I say if you can make a face, get yourself to giggle about the loud breather and move on with your practice with grace and ease than just do that! Then, once class is over, get your groovy self out of class, into a bar and start making fun of that mouth breather for a few minutes. (I know, I know, that seems kind of judgemental and mean but hey, I’m as human as the rest of you and who doesn’t garner a wee bit of satisfaction out of mocking others, come on, don’t lie to me, much like Professor X in X-Men I can read your minds!)

Look, doing yoga does not make us perfect. It is called PRACTICE for a reason people! We are trying, we are working, we are practicing at being more patient, more kind and more understanding of the quirks that make this crazy cheese ball called life go round.

To be yogic or not to be yogic, what the hell difference does it really make at the end of the day?

What does matter is that you see what you(yes, YOU there in the back, reading this with a snarl on your face and rolling your eyes at me, I see you!) are doing when you get mad at something silly (and lets face it, loud breathing is a really ridiculous thing to get pissed off at. It's almost as silly as getting mad at someone for having B.O.). that the person doing the action cannot really control all that much. Once you see it, really SEE it for what it is, well, then you let it go. Have a laugh. Have a beer. Have some sex. Do whatever you need to do to move past it and realize that hey, it's great they breathe loud because now I can fart loud and no one will hear me. Or maybe you try their way of breathing and find it cathartic!

In the end I say it’s not about what is "yogic" or not, it's about what is humane or not. It is about what is judgmental and what is not. It’s about the love you feel towards that person who is breathing loud and annoying the ever-loving CRAP out of you because you do love them. Deep, deep, DEEP down you love them so much it hurts. But we forget that we love each other, we forget that what makes us all the same is our humanity and part of that humanity is our flaws. Our beautiful flaws. Loud breathing, farting, moaning...all of this is part of a yoga class so I would say, ALL of it is "yogic".

It’s what you do after class that makes you “yogic” or “not yogic” so take that mat with you everywhere you go (figuratively that is) and take some time to watch what you are doing and thinking instead of worrying so much about what everyone else is doing or thinking.

And oh yeah, watch out for telepath’s, they see your thoughts and know the truth.

Take that beyotches.

My Love Letter to All That Matters

This is my love letter, my homage (if you will) to my time spent at All That Matters. It has been six years. It has been the longest job I have ever had and it has so far been THE most fulfilling job I have ever had. I do not know where or who I would be without All That Matters and I most certainly know that I would not know the people I know and feel the love that I feel EVERY DAMN DAY without having been a part of the ATM Family.

There have been very dark and bad times for me at ATM. There were times when I couldn't stand it there, where I felt like the worst person in the world and where I disliked the people I worked with. There was a time where I just plain hated myself and treated those around me with anger, vile words and behavior. There were times when my life was falling apart and I had nowhere to go except work to keep me sane.

Through it all they loved me. Even if it was hard to see that love, they did. The love never waivered and it never once left my side. It was always there for me to grab ahold of when I was ready to see it and accept it with grace and ease. For that I am eternally grateful.

There is and so much fun at ATM. That crazy place is FILLED to the brim with love for the people who walk through the doors and who work their fine behinds off every single day. I can think of no job that I have ever left with such a feeling of pride at having done what I did there. I can look back and know that at least at one point in my life, I worked someplace that mattered. I worked someplace that does and will continue to make a difference in people's lives.

I am so proud to be a part of All That Matters (because it is like the mob. once you get in, you never get out) but I am also proud at having made the decision to leave ATM. Because it was time, because I wanted to leave before I didnt truly love it anymore and because it isn't what I want to do with my life.

What do I want to do? Not sure yet. But I know that having been at ATM has made it easier for me to sit down, meditate and come up with that perfect picture of what I want to do.

In the meantime, you might see me wandering the yoga studios of ATM or attempting to be a barrista at Starbucks. Who knows? I jumped without a net this time (first time ever in my life) and the only reason I could do that was because I had gained a faith in myself and my decisions from working at ATM that I never thought I could aspire to. When I started at ATM I was a selfish, mean and pompous girl. I leave ATM knowing that I have grown kinder, more patient and far more loving than I thought was possible. It was a painful process (for me and for all around me) but it was worth more than any high paying job could have been.

Anyway, I wanted to say that today, before my final desk shift after six years of service so that everyone knows that no matter what I have said about ATM, it was the best job I ever had and I am so very honored to be leaving with a grace and dignity I never knew I had.

Thank you especially to Joan. I am so honored to be your friend.

I would love to thank all of my ATM friends personally but that would take days so for now, know that you are all so very special to me that there are no words that can truly express it and I hope that in all our time together you know that I love you!

See you all on the flip side.