The Search Continues...

As some of you may know, I quit my job at All That Matters recently. I have been winding my time down slowly but surely and am starting to feel some panic around the fact that I have been on a few job interviews but have not been offered any jobs. It makes me wonder a few things;

1. What is wrong with me that places do not seem to want to hire me? ~ Then I remember that there isn't anything wrong with ME, it's them. Totally them for being stupid enough to pass up having me as an employee. Duh.

2. Why do places insist on taking up people's valuable time? I went to what was seriously the weirdest job interview I have ever been on. They put about 15 of us in a room, made us go down the line and say a few things about ourselves and then picked 3 out of the 15 to keep. As I was one of the 3 they picked I was at first pleased. Then they made us take 3 tests. One to show we can follow directions, an IQ test, and a Personality Quiz. It took about 2 hours and after that they let us leave. Not ONCE did they interview us one-on-one. They did not call me. I can only assume my IQ and Personality were so GREAT that they decided I was overqualified. Either that or they thought I was a possible serial killer with bad math skills. Either way, I feel I dodged a bullet there. Who would want to work at a Doctor's office that judges so weirdly? That JUDGES? NOT OK.

3. Why is it that people do not know basic interview skills? I went on another interview where the girl talked the entire time (she barely took a breath) therefore not giving me any time to talk about myself and my skills. Then she said twice that I seemed really great and that she thought I would fit in well at her company and that she would contact me by 5pm that night. I never heard from her again. BI-Zarro!

So what have I learned here? I learned that it is much harder to get a job than it used to be (I know, I know. The bad economy and all that. I KNOW) plus people are complete morons who judge on looks and a 5 second interaction. It makes me sad, angry and more determined than ever to one day be my OWN damn boss.

I have to keep reminding myself that by quitting a secure and comfortable job I am actually taking control of my life and my future. It is honestly courageous. At the same time, it is scary as frickin hell.

I keep going though, because I have no choice but also because it is about damn time I proved to myself that I am the capable person I always think I am.

So the search continues...keep wishing me luck!

The Seriously True Story of the Scared Sacrum

I cannot think of many people who have not had back issues at least once in their life. My family, in various incantations, all have had bad backs or thrown their backs out, or lost their backs in unfortunate smelting accidents. My friends, dance to hard, hurt their back. Hug too hard, hurt their backs. You get the idea. Basically, most people nowaday's seem to have issues with their backs. I too, am one of the "lucky" who suffers from back pain. Have since I was a teenager and at one point I wore a back brace. It was an uncomfortable contraption that I had to cover up with bulky sweaters and wear with oversized pants to fit over the brace.

There was a period in my life when my back pain was more serious, making it difficult for me to endure long drives, long periods of sitting or standing without pain and discomfort. Then for the first time in my life my back went "out". I was sitting on my couch and reached forward to grab the remote, pop went my back and into agony I went.

I could barely walk, sit, lie down or stand. It was truly some of the worst pain I had ever been in and I couldn't for the life of me understand why it had happened. I felt panic at the idea that this kind of pain was going to last forever. I felt depressed and was having one of the best pity parties for myself that I had ever had.

Luckily, by the time this came about, I had a great chiropractor who I knew could help me. I just had to wait for Monday to get a treatment (the back went on a Sunday morning, typical). Once treated a couple times I was back to "normal" and my life went on.

Then, a few years later, it happened again. This time I was lifting a heavy box and quite honestly I lifted the dang thing the wrong way (lesson learned: alwayslift with your knees and not with your back!). Again, I hobbled in for a treatment and within days I was better. Flipping backflips and attempting squat thrusts once again!

Last week, it happened for the third time. Now I know that this is something that is going to happen to me periodically for no reason at all. This time I had stood up, sat down and stood backup again when I realized my back had gone all coco-NUTS and I was about to end up in a world of pain. By the end of the day I couldn't walk without tears springing from my eyes. I gasped each time I moved with the amount of pain that sprang up.

Of course, in my time of unforeseen crises, my chiropractor was away (the nerve of him to go sailing away in pirate lands!). Luckily I had other options. I called my friends Doctor who didn't see patients on Thursdays and when I finally got a call back, I couldn't see him until Monday. I spent the next 4 days in pain and discomfort. Alternating between tears and morose acceptance of what had happened.

A week later, I am on the mend. Still crooked, still feeling twinges of pain if I move too fast and knowing that one more adjustment should do the trick. Also knowing that this type of pain is going to happen to me on and off for the rest of my life. It's depressing and makes me feel old at 32. It also makes me want to jump (carefully of course) back into my yoga practice which has been on hiatus since I sprained my ankle almost 3 months ago now. But which has obviously kept me pain free for the year I have committed to it on a mostly daily basis.

Yoga isn't just so you can impress the men folk with how far your legs go up and over your head ladies, it saves lives! (insert chuckle here) I kid, I kid...more seriously, yoga really does keep you and your spine flexible and ready to handle whatever you throw at it (be it backflips, somersaults or knife wielding clowns bent on your destruction).

Typically it seems that my back goes out when I am times of high emotional or physical stress. Each time there has been something going on in my life that precipitates this joyous occasion. This time it was the deadly combo of my spraining my ankle and therefore being off balance for 3 months combined with quitting my job that I have held for six years without a replacement job in sight.

It continues to amaze me how the body and mind are connected so intimiately as to effect one another in such drastic (and annoying) ways. Maybe that makes me sound slow or stupid but when you are happy and healthy you tend to forget how quickly unhappiness manifests into disease and pain in the body.

Stay healthy and happy my friends. It is way more fun than the alternative*.

*The alternative being pain and/or disease (in case you missed my point).

Mostly Unemployed?

I loved where I worked. I liked my job. It came time, after six years, for me to decide to shit or get off the pot as it were. I needed to either take a leap of faith or continue on with a job that made me stressed, sad and unfulfilled.

I jumped.

And now I am mostly unemployed. I work a few hours at All That Matters and the rest of my time is currently filled with panic, job searching, panic and here we go, blogging. Because instead of crying in a ball wearing sweatpants all day and eating chocolate I have decided to write about what I am feeling, doing and what I am not doing. So far it's pretty fun and you know something else? It feels right.

I have been saying for years that I am a writer but not really meaning it. Well, shit or get off the pot and here I am, officially attempting to write about something I love. Me! Cuz let's face it, I love me and you love YOU and we all love ourselves (not in the dirty way perverts) so why not talk about ourselves while also talking about the world and how it has changed in the last six years and how I have changed in the last six years!?

So here I am, mostly unemployed, slightly panicked and actually quite happy. Go figure.

Now, let me clarify something in case you do not know. I am not rich and have a little saved to get through a month or two of being mostly/totally unemployed but that's it. So I am still job searching but I am searching in the hope of finding the perfect part-time job that leaves me time to entertain the masses with my sometimes witty and all the time enjoyable writing. Can you help me out with this wish and keep your eyes peeled (disgusting saying) and your ears open in the hopes of finding The Juice the perfect job solution that leaves her happy and fulfilled?

Yeah I see you rolling your eyes and sarcastically saying "Good Luck" but I believe the Universe is my friend (all our friend actually) and is ready and willing to give us what we need, we just have to ask for it!

So here I am, asking for it. Give it to me!

Yoga Can Keep Your Head From Exploding. It's True!

I know what you are thinking, seriously, I know. I have mind-reading powers that you don't know about (well until now that is). You're thinking, what is this talk of brain's exploding and yoga having the power to stop that from happening?

It's like, totally true!

Let me begin at the beginning:

I work (or worked depending on your perspective, but that is another tale for another day) at a yoga studio in Rhode Island. A place called All That Matters. It is the best studio in RI (if I do say so myself) and it has taught me much.

But I digress slightly, let us get back to the tale at hand shall we?

I was working at the aforementioned yoga studio when I was out one wild and wooley evening and met myself what seemed like a fabulous man. He was older, drove a Harley (gasp) and had a handlebar moustache. All of these things and other things (that will remain private) set him up to be a great find for the Juice. Or so she thought!

Two months (keep that in mind friends) of "dating" later your heroine comes to find out that said Harley Moustache Man is MARRIED. Unhappily so, but married nonetheless. Making him off limits in my book. The "relationship" was terminated and your author was left feeling quite sad, distraught, deceived, etc etc etc.

So she started going to yoga. One reason was it was the only thing I could think of that might have a chance of saving me from myself, the other being a preperation for a long yoga event I wanted to partake in. So I went to yoga every day, thats 90 minutes of stretching and being with yourself every day.

I am not kidding when I say it saved me.

Months went by and I realized that instead of being mad at this Harley Man, I was thankful to him. Imagine my surprise when compassion and pity was what I felt towards this man who had broken my heart. I felt sad for him that he was now stuck in his life of sadness and misery but that I had flourished by being a part of his life. I had begun going to yoga which made me feel better which in turn made me look better. My life took a turn I never saw coming.

I was happy. Truly happy for the first time in my entire life because I had found something true and real that I could do and I could do well.

And it kept my head from exploding. And you know what I can do now? Well I can hold my head up high, knowing I did what was right for me. I can also touch my head to the floor in a forward fold. Pretty dang exciting.

My Addiction to Reading (yup)

I love books. My whole life they have been my constant companion, my drug of choice, my addiction. As with any relationship we have had our ups and downs. In the end though we always find our way back to each other. I never really lose my love for books so much as I misplace it behind the couch. It is always there, hiding, collecting dust and patiently waiting for me to be ready to fall in love with it all over again and I always do.

In a big way.

I feel right when I'm reading and as a writer I feel that without reading you simply can't write. That if you don’t observe and absorb what others have done before you then you cannot possibly find your own voice, your own style.

So there you have, my confession, my love. My addiction.

Reading.

All of that being said I want to let you all in on some good reads you too can enjoy!

World War Z by Max Brooks

If you like zombies and zombie books than this is the book for you. It is an “oral history” of the Zombie War. The chapters are short; the writing is snappy while sometimes being quite poignant and funny. At times you are reading along, knowing full well that what you are reading is not true, when you find yourself believing that this could in fact happen. At the very least, it is a good allegory of our times. And maybe, not so far from the truth of what would happen at the end of the world.

Jane Slayre by Charlotte Bronte and Sherri Browning Erwin

This is the “true” accounting of Jane Eyre, the one that publishers couldn’t bear but that can now come to light in our more liberal world! In this account Jane is a young girl living with her adopted family of viscous vampires. She is lucky enough to escape them by being sent away to school…with zombies! What follows is a well written and plucky account of Jane learning how to combat vampires, zombies and werewolves and more importantly, become secure in her own power and ability to stand up for herself and those she loves. It’s fun, exciting and a true work of literature!

Drink, Play, F@#k: One Man’s Search for Anything Across Ireland, Las Vegas and Thailand
by Andrew Gottlieb

In this spoof of Eat, Pray, Love our “hero” Bob Sullivan is cheated on by his wife and finds himself in search of…something. He decides to combat his blues by taking a trip to Ireland (where he drinks himself SILLY), Las Vegas (where he learns to gamble) and Thailand (where he inexplicably finds love). While this book is quite funny it has some really touching moments such as when Bob realizes that its not even the drinking that makes Ireland fun, it’s the “camaraderie and the open, accepting attitude toward friends and fun.” It is also ironic that in a search to “make fun” of the original material, Bob finds his own way to “find himself” and come back to the world a whole, happy person.

5 Tips to Set Them Crazy Beyotchs Straight. aka: How to Annoy Stupid People

5 Tips to set them crazy bitches straight
This is part and parcel of re-adjusting the attitudes of rude and/or mean people. It is not all the rules but it merely is a way to get them out of your way when you are trying to have a nice, pleasant work day.

1) Whatever you do, no matter how angry you are, do not punch the people. See tip 5 for dire emergencies.

2) Make sure to start talking as little as possible to the asshole who is pestering you. Stupid people tend to get confused when the person they are trying to insult stops speaking. Then they talk more and thus give you more ammunition to make fun of them with. Bide your time and smile gently as the berate you. As you "listen" envision all the nasty things you would love to say and/or do to them. In your mind you can get as violent as you want, you can envision them as a lampshade if you want. This will help with keeping the gentle smile on your face.

3) Once they stop spewing forth their stupidity and rudeness, make your attack. Quickly throw back anything they say to you with wit and humor but with an edge of malice.
Example:
Rude Person: So you said I could have my money back even though I took the class. I want my money back now so that I can go forth into the world and buy cigarettes and hookers. Why wont you just give me money back? I was not pleased with the class and therefore should get my money back.
You: OK. But do you feel more relaxed?
RP: Uh..sure
You: Do you feel as relaxed as you would feel after having sex with a hooker & smoking a butt?
RP: ??
You: I am going to take your silence as a yes. Therefore I am not giving you back your money you dumbass moronic VD infested hooker buyer*. You are just going to have to save your pennies for hookers and butts on another day. For now, I feel that your odor of BO and Cigarettes is enough of a payback for the rest of the world and you can go now.
RP: But..
You: YOU GO NOW.
(*this is no way insulting Hooker Buyers or Cigarette smokers, to each his/her own. This is only meant to be insulting to stupid people who are rude along with being hooker buyers and butt smokers.)

4) Ignore them. They hate to be ignored. Pretend you didn’t hear them. When they start calling your name (or hollering "Hey. You." give them a few moments of yelling before you respond. Then act like you don’t know why they are so worked up. Idiots LOVE that because you have effectively made them feel like they are over-reacting and you are the picture of calm confidence.

5) As a last resort, start throwing things at them and yelling "KAPOW! KAPOW!" - mean people get confused and yell even more before running away in fear of the crazy person in their midst. A valid strategy only to be used as a last resort.

Juice's Top 5 Juicy Dating Tips

I have decided that being a dating coach might be a grand potential career path for me so here is my first attempt at making it happen!

1) Cleavage (aka Titties) distracts ALL men, even gay ones

2) It's OK to wear pants, men like the challenge of getting them off, a skirt offers very little challenge of getting into your panties.

3) Threesome's can be fun! Just make sure you are the only woman so you get all the attention (it is also good to make sure neither of your partners are gay as then things can get a bit odd).

4) It is perfectly acceptable to have super secret celebrity husbands that you talk about like you really know them. It is not weird and does not make anyone uncomfortable.

5) Don't give it up on the first date. You need to have standards! Make sure that you are not giving it up in the front or back seat of a car and that you wait for at least the second date (if the second date is technically a continuation of the first that is OK as well).