Yeesh

"Respond to every call that excites your Spirit."
Rumi ♥

Hello Friends!

I havent posted here in almost 2 months and have been feeling quite skittish about it. I mean, my faithful reader must be devestated because they don't know what I am up to!

Here's the scoop kiddies, we'll break this shiznit down line by line.

1. New Job = Pretty great. It pays well, I have actual health insurance (have the card to prove it yo) and my co-workers are pretty nice. They are, however, completely insane (but in the best possible way). There is one woman who talks and goes so fast it makes me feel as though I am standing still constantly when I am speaking with her. She also fears the diabetes so she doesnt eat sugar and really enjoys GoDIVER chocolates. Love it. I also learned that another woman I work with says that things sometimes are a big "ta-da" rather than a big "to-do" and feel that it might be totally awesome to incorporate that into my own lexicon. There is a slightly perverted oldish man who wants everyone to rub his feet (and his knee and his back) who not-so-subtly looked down my shirt today (can ya blame him?) and finally there is the sad Non-Lesbian, Lesbian (because I swear to you, she IS a lesbian, she just doesnt know it yet. But I know. Oh yes. I KNOW.) who plays music (classic rock) and wears embroidered sweatshirts. She also HATES Christmas music so whatevs.

It is office life like I havent experienced in a loooong time and kind of missed. I have an entire different perspective on it now that I have lived and worked in the yoga/holistic world for six years. I take it all in stride and accept them all for the beautiful weirdos that they are.

2. Yoga Teacher Training is kicking my butt. In the best way though. It is fun, informative and grueling in a way I did not expect. Not even physically but mentally. It is ripping me wide open and leaving me wrung out and emotional almost every weekend we meet. I could not ask for a better group of women and man and am truly blessed to be part of such a compassionate and wonderfully funny group of people. 3 more weekends and I'll be a...gulp...YOGA TEACHER!

3. I am trying out what my own voice sounds like. In the effort to not give away too much information about my personal life, I will be purposefully vague. Sufficed to say I am in a situation that I have never been in before and am finding that I am not the chicken I thought I was and I am in fact, quite able to say what I need to say without fear of judgement or anger. It is wonderful to find your voice and to speak your truth. It makes me tense but at the same time it makes me so unbelievable happy I cannot even begin to tell you. I credit yoga and the gentle and brilliant friends I have for helping me see that who I am is pretty awesome and I deserve only good things (as do all of them).

I am not sure if this helps or hinders or confuses anyone and I do not really care. If you are my friend you know of what I speak and if you are not my friend I am quite sure you know of what I speak as you have most likely lived a life full of experiences that have brought you right around to the same place I am currently in: Happiness.

If you are not in the land of happy, go out, now and find it. Choose to be happy and to love and to enjoy all that life has to offer.

“People want you to be happy.
Don't keep serving them your pain!

If you could untie your wings
and free your soul of jealousy,

you and everyone around you
would fly up like doves.”
― Rumi ♥

Big News!

As my many readers know, it has been a strange and exciting summer for me. I began Teacher Training, was unemployed and unsure of my future path.

While I am still unsure of my future path I can say with happiness and joy that I am no longer an unemployed mooch! I was lucky to receive a job offer from what seems like a great company and to top it all off? It has benefits and all that good stuff a grownup wants in a job!

I feel lucky and nervous all at once. Nervous to be starting a new job with new people (oh dear, making new friends can be tough for the Juice, she has to reign in her crazy so they don't get scared right off) but at the same time I have the hope that it is the kind of job that I can do for 8 hours and then go off on my merry way to hang with my friends, do yoga and otherwise enjoy the good life with actual income coming in! It means I don't always have to go to the cheap night at the movies and that I can buy new pants when my old ones rip!

It's truly exciting.

A short post for this week but a happy one. When I found out on Friday that I had the job a HUGE weight lifted off my shoulders and I was able to truly relax without worrying about the other foot falling down upon me. Knowing that as of October 31st I will be making a steady wage again really puts the rest of my life in perspective and gives me the space to breathe a little bit. To know you WILL be able to afford rent, utilities and food for the rest of the year and beyond makes things a little bit better.

OK...now I feel as though I am gloating which is not my intent. I just wanted to share my good news with the world! Or, at least, the six people who read my blog.

Stay classy Rhode Island.

Fear and Loathing in Yoga.

This past weekend was my third Teacher Training Weekend. We are in class 3 days, Friday 4-9, Saturday and Sunday 9-6 so they are long days of learning and practice. It really rips you a new one pretty quickly and can suddenly take you from the space of knowing about yoga to realizing that you actually know nothing about either yoga or yourself. I walked into the space on Friday feeling cranky, angry and with NO DESIRE to be there at all. I left this weekend feeling fan-freakin-tastic and SO GLAD I am a part of this training. Go figure.

For those of you who may not know it or for those that maybe do not practice yoga there is this thing that yoga does to you if you do it alot...yeah, it fucks your shit up in weird, crazy, super fun and super awful ways. It is not uncommon for yogi's to come running out of the studio weeping, cranky, euphoric or even high as a kite. Because for some people yoga is not just a physical practice of poses, it is a way to commune with your body and with the universe and possibly God.

(Now, if you don't believe in God don't get twitchy. Use whatever term you want to use, nature, the Universe, your momma's fried chicken - it makes no difference to me.)

As I was saying...

Yoga has this way of very subtly getting inside of you and taking a firm grip on your guts and your soul and not letting go until every last drop has been wrung. the fuck. out.

Hence the weeping.

I am seriously not trying to frighten anyone out there, I am simply stating my experiences and the experiences of my friends with their yoga practice. Your yoga is most likely something different and that is great, fantastic and almost as bitchin as unicorns and glitter!

The benefits of yoga FAR outweigh any of the negative side effects of it. Yoga stretches out your mind along with your body. For me personally, it helps me find an inner peace that no other type of meditation or movement has ever done. It has brought me peace. Good God almighty, it has brought. me. peace.

It feels so good to say that. I spent so many years of my life feeling torn up, wrecked out and just down and low that to have found a way to find peace is the most wonderful thing that has ever happened in my life.

Have you found peace? No? Might I suggest some yoga as a start?

Don't get me wrong, yoga is not a cure all, it is not for everyone. It will make some people cranky and mean, it will make some people feel inadequate and small, it will make some people scared.

I have been all of the above people.

Before you go thinking that Juice has turned into some kind of schizophrenic mess let me explain.

This weekend, we learned about Prana Flow Yoga Sequencing. It is quite different from any other kind of yoga sequencing (from what I understand but I could be wrong on that point) and it is far more complex than I ever imagined it could be. But it all makes sense, it is a wave of motion, a flow of prana (that means breath). It's amazing.

So we, as a collective, sequenced a class around the pose Hanuman (Full Split) and I was like, uh OK, I have NEVER practiced Hanuman in my entire life but thought I would give it the ole college try because why else was I there really?

So there came the point in the class were it was time for Hanuman and I felt panic. Yep, PANIC at the thought of coming down into a full split. I had my blocks on either side of me for support (and a possible rescue) and down I went. I quickly realized two things:

1. I could most likely get all the way down to the floor (holy shitake!)
2. I was scared to death that I wasn't going to be able to get out again.

So I breathed as best I could (suddenly my breath was very tight, very blocked) and held onto my blocks for dear life as sweat dripped down into my eyes.

Release the pose. Thank you Jesus.

I made my clumsy and totally NOT graceful way out of the pose and realized that I wasnt broken, I wasn't injured and holy craptastrophy, I had just done a friggin split.

We still had to do the other side though.

This side was MUCH harder and I don't know if that was because I was tighter on one side than the other (quite possible) or if knowing what was to come my brain was trying to conquer my body but I gave it a try and did my best and it was equally as terrifying.

I was truly surprised at the amount of fear that welled up in this pose. I mean, it's not a simple pose by any stretch of the imagination but still, it wasn't going to kill me right?

I am leaning towards being dang proud of myself for trying the pose and for doing it well but I am still working through why it filled me with such fear. Which really means only one thing, expect to see me working on my Hanuman in yoga class.

See ya on the mat yogi's.

The Video Tapes...The Dang Video Tapes

I bet you think this is going to be a post on VHS (do all you kids remember what those are?) and how annoying it used to be to have to rewind the dang tapes in order to watch the movie again or the fact that on VHS there were no super special "extras" with any movie you bought and if it was over 2 hours long you had to have TWO video tapes to contain it. Ahhhh...those were the days.

But alas, this post is not about that. This post is about the tapes in my head (or your head as it were) that roll on and on and ON about various things, some of my "Top Five" Tapes are as follows:

1. You are NOT good enough
2. You are boring
3. You are mean
4. Hungry...grumble (OK this one might actually be true)
5. There is NO WAY anyone will ever really love you.

They are in no particular order but those are the constant themes running rampant through my squirrely little brain. They are sometimes REALLY loud and sometimes they are non-existent but in no way are they ever gone. I spend a lot of time and effort trying to quiet the tapes and to keep them from taking over my every waking thought but there are some nights when I wake up around 2 or 3 o'clock in the morning and my heart is racing and my brain is going full tilt to crazy town and I can't quiet it no matter what I do or what I think. Those are the bad nights, the nights I wish I could just take a pill and knock myself out for a few more hours. Instead I have to sit with the thoughts and launch a counter attack that is often times only mildly effective in this "battle".

Does this make me sound crazy? Sure it does but I can guarantee at least one other person knows of what I speak if not all of you. One thing I have learned is that everyone has these tapes. Other people's tapes may say something different and they probably sound different too. I feel like mine are a creepy man with a deep voice ala Vincent Price cackling at me while he makes me feel bad. Some might have Minnie Mouse in their head or Megadeth screaming at them...doesn't matter, all the tapes boil down to the same idea - we are NOT our thoughts. We CAN conquer them and set them to rest, even if it is only temporarily. I have managed that over the last year or so and it feels really good when I can push them aside and really see what I am rather than what I think I am.

Some sure-fire methods (brought to me by my friend Bethdango) of quieting the tapes?

1. Counter-attack - whatever the voices say, say the positive of that statement. Example: "You aren't good enough." should be "You ARE good enough." and the like.

2. When in doubt take three breaths. Why three? Because that seems to be how long it takes to calm the tape down, quiet the voice, and be able to think of something, anything different. A good thing to think about? Puppies, Kittens, Sexy Men (or Women), Firecrackers or the word Pumpernickle. Any of these are sure to give you enough time to pause and realize that life is pretty funny and you are pretty swell.

Now, I realize that it is not always so easy as all this. I wrestled with this for YEARS before I finally started figuring out the counter measures and I STILL suffer from the tapes freaking me out and making me feel like crap. Even right now I feel anxious in my belly and have a tape running rampant in my head trying to convince me that I am doing wrong and being wrong by being who I am and by hoping for good things to come about. I know that these thoughts are silly and nonsensical but at the same time, I cannot help but wonder, what if the voices are right? What if I hope and hope and it all goes to shit?

Well then, I shall die(insert dramatic music here!).

Naaah I'm just screwing around. The thing is, if life hands me a shit sandwich and things don't go the way I want than thats the way it was meant to be. Then maybe it is yet one more step towards the right thing for me. I have to have faith or else I'll never move forward to where I want to be. That is not to say it will not suck major balls but I can't keep getting stuck on the "what if's" of every little thing. I'll get so bogged down that I won't enjoy the moment that is happening and unfolding right in front of me and that just seems dang silly.

So what should you take from this dear reader? I can't rightly say. I can only say what is coming out of my head and while it may seem like crazy talk to some and sense to another I can only speak what is my truth and what I know about that I got from T-Cup the other day when she rained a veritable list of compliments down upon me (and made me a wee bit uncomfortable) and I realized that she wouldn't say all that stuff to "be nice" - she actually meant it (this is not to say that all the compliments paid me by my other friends mean nothing so nobody panic) and that kind of blew my mind a little bit. Who knew I was so awesome?

I think that I actually did know that but somewhere along the way after miles and miles of being crapped on by people and by life i forgot it. So here I am, frantically trying to figure it all out again in a public forum. Go figure. Life's funny that way.

"Become quiet with the awareness that everything is you and you are everything. Meditate on yourself. Honor yourself. Understand yourself. God dwells within you as you." ~Swami Muktananda

Your task is not to seek for love,
but merely to seek and find all the barriers
within yourself that you have built against it.
~Rumi ♥

Rawr Baby. Rawr.

It has been a long day with surprise work tossed into it and I'm tired, so if this doesnt make sense I apologize. You might be wondering, "why is she writing her blog at 11pm if she is so tired?" and you would be asking a great question, the answer is - I need to write. It's been weeks and weeks since I have sat down and really written anything and I miss it. Like you might miss a favorite tv show or a loved one I miss my writing. This is a new feeling for me and maybe explains some of the anxiety I feel lately, I'm like a junkie without a fix, a peach cobbler without any peaches, a monkey without a grinder.

So what am I writing about today? Gosh, I just don't know. There are so many things swirling around this befuddled brain of mine that I'm not sure where to start. Do I start with Yoga Teacher Training (YTT) and all the changes it has already brought into my being? Do I talk about my friends wedding and how it has seemingly profoundly changed me on a level I'm not even sure I am 100% aware of? Or do I simply discuss the absolute panic I feel because I am running out of money and have mostly no job prospects?

Yeah, I know...lots to do, lots to say.

The job situation, yes it freaks me out, yes I am sad I have to borrow money from my parents because I can't seem to get this shit figured out but you know what? I feel confident that in the next month it is going to work out. My summer was pinpointed to one date, September 10th and I couldn't really think past it because there was so much to do and so much expectation. Now that it has passed I can think on other things, do other things. And that is a bittersweet feeling because that wedding, well boy...I dont know if I even have the words to explain how it changed me. I'll try and use some cliche's while I'm at it but honestly, it made me believe that love is possible. It comes in all shapes, all sizes and from all angles (don't be dirty, Im trying to make a profound point here!) but it seriously is all around us. Even when you are down in the deepest shithole of despair, even when you hate yourself and everyone around you there is friggin love somewhere in your life. Or at least, I hope so. I know in my life, it took me almost 32 years to realize that I am literally SURROUNDED by people who love me. Crazy huh? To have it right in front of your face and not see it? 32 years. I am baffled by my own obstuse-ness (is that a word?). But the good news is I found it, it found me and together we are mostly happy.

The best thing about being unemployed? Having the time to see myself for who I am without a job. I am not my job...come on repeat it with me kids...I AM NOT my job! I discovered that I am kind of cool, kind of smart and maybe even a little bit interesting. That I do, in fact, have a talent for writing and that I do, in fact, LOVE doing it. CocoNUTS I tell you. Maybe this isnt mind-blowing stuff for YOU but for me, well its pretty dang empowering.

Finally, YTT has been IN-Tense. I can't even really quite say what it is but just the act of diving in deeply to a yoga practice, to finding out WHY we do what we do and how a teacher goes about planning a class and learning what they need to know about this centuries old tradition. Fuck...it blows my mind. And makes me feel innately powerful in a way I have never felt in my entire life. I feel like I can take anything on and do so with complete honesty and integrity. And we are only 2 weekends in! Can you imagine this feeling at the end of the training in January? Im not sure who I am going to be by then but I gotta say that I cannot wait to meet her.

Life is a crazy thing, it takes you on rides you never thought in your wildest dreams you would go on but it also takes you into the depths of despair where you think you will be trapped forever. It strangles every last breath out of you without a second thought but it breathes life into you when you least expect it. It can take something as devastating as being lied to and turn it into a life changing experience and make you smarter, braver and happier than you ever thought you could be.

I heard this in a movie trailer the other day and I think it applies to all things life related, love, relationships, jobs, etc..."All you need is twenty seconds of insane courage and I promise you, something great will come of it."

I think that I've found my courage, have you found yours?

We need not be afraid to touch, to feel, to show emotion. The easiest thing in the world is to be what you are, what you feel. The hardest thing to be is what other people want you to be.
~ Leo Buscaglia Quotes

It's an interesting day in the neighborhood...

Well faithful reader it has been a crazy, exhausting and fantastic week. Two good friends were married on a gorgeous September day and it really was THE BEST DAY EVER and now we are all "suffering" from fun withdrawal, what a weird and fantastic thing to "suffer" from.

Anyway...

On top of all this love-filled goodness I am quickly approaching weekend numero two of my Teacher Training (aka YTT) and I am super excited. The first weekend was cut short by the mean tempered and ill conceived Irene but I have high hopes that this weekend will run in its butt-kicking entirety which fills me both with happiness (like, OMIGOD I'm gonna be a YOGA TEACHER) and terror (like, OMIGOD, I'm gonna be a YOGA TEACHER) which is great.

It seems all my time spent working on fixing what was "wrong" with me has left me here, as is, and braver than I thought possible. It's kind of cool. I mean, I'm not tap dancing in the streets perfection but I'm doing alright for a 32 year old unemployed English major.

Now, if only I could get a freakin job...that would really assist me with lowering some of the super stress levels that are going on in my body and brain. I have to hope that there is an ultimate plan...wait, not hope so much as KNOW that there is a plan in store and that if I just keep on keepin' on like I have been that all will be revealed in typical dramatic fashion.

I look forward to it. I really do. If it could just hurry up that would be great. I mean, I am a patient woman but its been months now that I've been out of work so a little bit of something would be super duper awesome like totally bitchin fan-freakin-tastic.

Anytime now...seriously.

So with that all said I leave you my faithful reader (your faithful blogger is T I R E D today) and hope that your week goes along at breakneck fantabulous speed and that all your caviar wishes and champagne dreams come true.

Peace.

Whats Love Got to do With It? In Celebration of THE EVENT!

The impending nuptials of one of my very good friends - two actually, I kind of like the groom OK too :) has given me pause to think about the nature of love. Love for yourself, for others, for small furry critters (but not in a beastiality kind of way) love for the joy that is electricity, or really love for anyone or anything. I've been thinking about what actually makes up love, what does love really mean? These probably seem like super simple questions for my wonderful readers but for me they caused me a momentary pause because some of us, to some extent, take love for granted.

Now, now, don't get angry, I don't mean you don't appreciate the love you are given and the love you give but maybe you don't think about this love on a daily basis. Maybe you go through your day not once saying "I love you" to someone you really love or maybe you go through your day not thinking that people actually love you. Seriously, what a thing we are missing out on! Personally, if I pause for a minute to think about the love that is around me and the love I give out it staggers me. Seriously, no joking, I am brought to a standstill by the love in my midst.

And I'm not talking romantic love or family love, I'm just talking love. If I really sit down and take the time to think about the things I love, its almost too much to contemplate.
I love you, all of you. The people I dont even know, I love you. Because you care enough to take a few minutes out of your day to read my stupid blog. Because you take a few moments to maybe peruse my facebook page and maybe you think "Hey, her shits alright!"

When I was younger I thought love had to be dramatic, love had to be special and true and you had to "earn" love. When I was in my late twenties to the present day I realize that that is not true. I dont have to "earn" anyone's love, they have to earn mine. Not that this is hard to do, just be true to me and don't be a dick. Easy Peasy!

As a young lass I trusted too easily and got burned a few times, I fell in love (or so I thought) a few times and I got burned. There have been a couple who I thought I loved that treated me badly, abused me, made me feel like less than a person and that worst of all, I didn't "deserve" love of any kind.

I can truly think of no worse punishment than to feel like you don't deserve love. You can beat me, you can yell at me and you can say mean things to me but nothing anyone can do to me is worse than to make me feel undeserving of love. I lived a long time thinking I didn't deserve the love of my friends, my family, of any member of the male species. It was a terrible place to live, it was a place of fear and dark thoughts. I place of such terrible loneliness I thought I would die from it.

Instead, I found good friends, I found yoga. I found love!

For those years of pain and fear I should hate the man who did that to me but I can't. Truth be told wasn't just one man who did that to me, there were a few and some of them genuinly loved me. Some of them were sad and fucked up in their own way that made them incapable of knowing what love truly was and for them I am sad. For them I feel only pity.

And I finally move on.

I have my bad days, where I think, "My god, why does anyone even like me? I'm such a dick!" but I quickly realize my good outweighs my bad and that the reason my friends and my family love me is because I deserve it and I am a good person down inside where it counts (even if I get a bit dickish some days) and mostly because I love them with my whole heart.

And that, my friends, is no little thing.

With 4 Days before THE EVENT (aka The wedding of Tara & Andy) I want to simply say that I love you my friends and for each and every one of you I am so much more grateful than I could have ever hoped to be and I wish you all (myself included) a life of love and happiness.

And to T & A - I LOVE YOU GUYS!!!! I cannot wait for our day of celebration, I promise we won't stare at you too much.

Love, love and LOVE.

Illness, PMS and YTT...OH MY!

Hi Cats and Kittens!

Its been a wild and wooly week for your favorite blogger (shhh it doesn't have to be true)! My week last week started off with a weird stomach bug that I at first thought was the result of a hangover from a fabulous par-tay, the hangover theory proved wrong quickly when I kept getting ill all week. As I was rounding the bend towards health I was blessed with my monthly visit from Aunt Flo and that quickly transcended into unpleasant cramps and annoying fatigue. Then my long awaited first weekend of Yoga Teacher Training (YTT)!!! The weekend was amazing, I am terrified of becoming a teacher and have my doubts about my abilities in said teaching field but this weekend made me feel so peaceful, so at home and where I should be that I couldnt help but feel complete confidence in the Universe that I was doing EXACTLY what I was meant to do. Exciting is not a big enough word to encompass that feeling but I think ya'll get the drift.

Then came dang Irene! She got in the way of the third day of the 3 day weekend and my roomate, her 2 boys (ages 4 and 7) and I had to evacuate to my parents house for 2 VERY long days. It was stressful not knowing what was going on with my house and even more stressful keeping two little ones under control for two days in a foreign household (to them at least) but we all made it through and we made our way home that Monday to find our house just fine but without electricity (like so many others!). It was a relief and annoying all at the same time. We quickly discovered that after it gets dark that no matter how many candles you have, its not enough to keep you entertained for long so bed at 9pm it was!

The week went on and I mooched electricity and showers at my parents house until Thursday night when our power was restored! So happy were we that we did a dance and then turned on ALL the lights to celebrate. I will never take electricity for granted again!

And here we are, up to date with my doings, tonight is my very dear friend Tara's bachelorette party (her wedding is in ONE WEEK!) and I get to celebrate with almost all of my favorite people (the only exception being my beloved Jenny in New Orleans, dealing with Tropical Storm Lee) and I am very excited!

There is lots going on in my life and I feel good about almost every part of it (the exceptions being the not having a job and quickly running out of funds and of course, the every annoying non-existent love life but I can live with both being bland...for now). Life is good and I feel blessed in so many ways.

Oh and I finally finished proofing the first draft of my book! Soon I shall send those first 122 pages to my favorite editor friend (Jane!) for a looksie and at some point (when life settles a bit after the wedding) I shall hopefully write the exciting conclusion! Maybe this will be my million dollar idea? You never know!


Until next time America.

Love, Lights and Red Hot Chili Pepper Goodness.

Pure Imagination Folks.

My whole life I have fought with myself.

My whole. Damn. Life.

This is not to say that my life is over, on the contrary I believe that it is only just beginning at the age of 32 because for the first time in all my life, I am no longer fighting with myself. I'm not dancing in the streets, perfectly happy though, far from it actually. I am, however, much closer to that than I was 10-15 years ago.

I realized something in the last month as I sit out an unknown time of unemployment fear. I am wholly in control of what I do next. I have no real responsibility. I can pick my fate, choose my destiny, blah blah blah.

It terrifies the ever-loving shit out of me.

And then I got over it.

I realized this morning that while this past summer has been terrifying, exciting and stressful it has also been some of the best time I have ever spent on my own. I havent descended into madness as it were, I havent gotten depressed or mean or just plain uncertain. I also havent taken a job that means nothing to me. I am working towards something bigger and better and whats even more important, I am working towards shaping a life for myself that is RIGHT for me.

Super exciting.

And you want to know what helped me find this magical moment? Three things.

1. Gene Wilder
2. Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory (aka Charlie & the Chocolate Factory)
3. Pure Imagination


Not even kidding. I dare you to watch or listen to this and NOT feel something about it!

So my point? Life isnt all sadness. There is so much more laughter in it than I thought there would be, even if it took me 32 years to figure that out.

How was your summer? Mine was bizarre.

OK I realize that summer is not yet over, we still have many weeks of summer fun and warm weather but I was sitting here thinking about how people keep asking me "How's your summer going?" and I have no other answer than "Weirdly." Because that is the utter truth of it. My summer has been bizarre!

I have been mostly out of work now for almost 3 months with no signs of a job on the horizon. Luckily for me my old job has been in need of lots of help so that has kept me in a very modest income that makes me feel like 20% safer and more secure. But that safety net is about to run out soon and that TERRIFY's me. What the hell am I going to do? Because truth be told I kind of like being unemployed. Not the loneliness but the time to myself, the time to write my book and the time to relax a bit and rest. I havent been unemployed since I was in my teens and this is way scarier than that ever was (mostly because I lived with my parents and had no bills).

I am going to submit my application to become a substitute teacher but that takes time and what if they dont want me? I mean, lets face it, many employers don't seem to want to employ me. Whether it is because of my tattoo's or my lack or overabundance of experience I do not know. Just ONCE I would love it if a prospective employer would sit down and tell me WHY they didn't want to hire me so I could work on whatever it is that they don't like and possibly get hired.

I think the other issue is that I don't just want "any old job" I want to do something that MATTERS for once in my life. If I am not going to get married or have kids then I need to have a career that makes me happy. Now, I'm not saying I have this plan to not get married or have kids but as each year passes that life slips further and further from my grasp and while it makes me sad I am also making my peace with it and realizing that having a mate does not mean everything. I have a life FULL of love from family and good good friends so I can be satisfied with that.

If I have a career that makes me happy as well.

So I write my book and hope it doesnt suck (so far my "readers" have said its pretty good) and I start Yoga Teacher Training in a couple weeks so that is exciting for me and possibly I am embarking on a world of Substitute Teaching where I can hang out with kids and be tortured by them but also know that this is something I might really like to do (cuz it feels right ya know?).

So I sit here typing and I hope for the best because whatever else goes on with me, I know I made the right decision to leave my job and jump into the abyss. If nothing else goes the way I plan that was the best decision I ever made. But I don't think things will go "off plan" I think the universe is hanging with me right now, holding on to me and letting me have this time to do the things I need to do to make the life I want.

Thats all I have this week. Much love, sunshine, funky dance moves, my most serious face and passion for you all.

Let It Out and Move On/They Say Life Carries On...So Says Peter Gabriel.

Greetings Dear Reader (or Readers?)!

My life is strange these last few months. I cannot even fully grasp what the hell I'm doing right now other than I gave up on the job search a few weeks ago and am hoping a plan I have might bear the fruit I need and steer me onto the street of a fun and fulfilling career.

Are you confused? Let me explain my two step plan (after all, I did promise an "exciting" announcement last week in my post...unless you want to try and guess yourself? I'll give you a few minutes.

...

...

...

OK I gave you 3 guesses...did you figure it out yet?

If you guessed that I was going to be a circus performer, foot model or prostitute you are sadly wrong on all counts (I know, its disappointing, but take heart!).

I have put into action this week two things:

1.) I am going to attempt to become a substitute teacher! I tried this once before but before I could even try to sub I got a full time job and as I was in my early 20's I figured the kids in school would have made me cry. Being a world weary and street smart (ha) 32 I think I can handle the little idiots and keep them from jumping out a window and/or drawing on each other. I think it'll be fun and somewhat lucrative as you can get paid nice amounts for just one day of work. I like the uncertainty of it and the constant change that would be part of my day to day work. I am doing this to see if I really do want to be a teacher one day. I have the bachelor's in English, I would need a 2-year Teaching degree that is easily getable from any of our fine schools of learning in RI. But I dont want to spend the moola on school and find I hate teaching. I feel like this gives me experience, money and the time to see if teaching is for me. I think back to my childhood and I was always pretending to be a teacher but somehow I got sidetracked by doing...well, nothing. So now is my time. I am unattached, kidless and ready to try and find my career.

2.) I am officially registered for Yoga Teacher Training starting on August 26th! I no longer work at All That Matters and I love Coral Brown so I figured, now is them time! She is offering a 200-hr certification starting in August and ending in January. I love yoga, I love every dang thing about it and as this also relates to my want to teach I figured, why the hell not? Again, I am kidless and with very little in the way of responsibility so now is the time.

Both of these things combined make me feel very hopeful of my future. I feel deep in my soul that it is the "right" thing to do and therefore, I am crossing all crossable limbs and hoping for the best and most fun outcome.

Who knows? Maybe one day I'll own my own studio and more than five people will read my blog! A girl can dream right?

So that is my news for this week. I hope to hear from you and I hope you all manage to keep from being eaten by sharks (contrary to some opinions, sharks are NOT out to get us, we have too many bones and surfboards are chewy and tasteless) and to enjoy every dang day.

"Life carries on in the people I meet..." - gotta love Peter Gabriel.

Until next time America.

MIA for a Week, Here's Why...

Clearly if you all are keeping up on my weekly posts than you have realized that I missed a week this week. If you were sitting at home, curled up in a ball under your desk, coffee table, bed or kitchen nook with fear than I can help you out and set you at ease fellow word travelers. There were a few reasons why I missed this past Tuesday, here they are (in no particular order) and I shall address each separately for your amusement and edification.

1. My Back went out...AGAIN
2. My Aunt Died
3. I had a lovely summer cold

(again, these are in no particular order)

Ok...it's a slightly heavy list so I shall take some time with each of them and I hope you do not get overwhelmed. I know I was quite overwhelmed with all of this.

1. My back keeps throwing itself out of wack (well really, it's my hips being cranky but tomato/ tomatoe). Each time it happens I am full of frustration, annoyance and pain, so very much pain. Often there is no rhyme or reason except that killer of dreams, that murderer of fun, that villan of vice...STRESS (dum dum dum!). Am I stressed out? Why of course I am! I am mostly unemployed which means I have a very small but sort of steady source of income and am cobbling together bits of jobs to try and make my life have meaning. So far...OK. But if I dont relax and get my big ole butt to yoga, well my hips go creaky and my back goes wonky and Juice gets super duper sad and cranky and has the best pity party ever for herself!

2. My Aunt Linda passed away last Tuesday. She and I had a very complicated relationship. We hadn't spoken for years because after trying to see eye to eye on many things (my life choices and my other family being the BIG TWO) I realized that she would continue to hurt me along with not fully understanding me and I would continue to cause her pain unintentionally. She was a kind, caring and creative woman who I loved dearly. It broke my heart to cut off contact with her and even though she was sick for many months I could never bring myself to open that door again. I knew what would happen and I could not do that to myself or to her in her sickened condition. I have to hope that wherever she is now she knows that I did love her and her loss is something that will make the world a little less brighter than it was.

3. I had a summer cold. Not much more to say about that other than I was dizzy, stuffed up, exhausted and miserable for five days. So needless to say, I did not feel like posting on ye ole blog last week.

So those are my reasons, I apologize for my absence and hope you can forgive me dear reader.

I hope to be back next week with exciting news!

Peace, Sunshine and Cackers (as my 4 year old roomie Jackalope would say),

Failure AND Imagination: A Dynamic Duo

Greetings & Salutations Dear Reader(s)!

It's a hot, sweaty and exciting week here in RI for your fearless writer. It is the week that the final installment of the Harry Potter movies comes out! Yep, your writer is a HP Geek (thanks to the gentle but erstwhile urgings of my fabulous Ceeeeeeeee who got me reading the books) and she's proud of it!

But really that's not what this weeks blog is about. It's about a speech I read by J.K. Rowling who gave the commencement address for Harvard University in 2008. I have read the speech dozens of times over the years and each time it touches me. She speaks of failure and imagination and how both are inevitable in life and how both teach us in very different ways. Failure is inevitable and painful but it makes us stronger, faster and better. Failure can often defeat us for a time but in my experience it ineveitably spurs us on to do better the next time. Failure also makes us kinder, more humble people (usually anyway). Appreciative of what we have in our lives and what we need to make our lives more fulfilling.

And Imagination? Well I think you can guess why imagination is important. But to the slower kids in the back row of the special bus let me say this. Without imagination we wouldn't be able to laugh or empathize with people or enjoy books or movies. When you cannot imagine, you cannot believe the story that is made up in front of you. When you cannot imagine I think you often live in a world that is boxed in and colorless, a world where you fear the reality of life rather than seeing what the potential of life could be. I personally shudder to think about what life would be like without the vast and potent imagination I (and all my friends) have. We wouldn't come up with funny band names like "Crotch Fire" or the funny hats my friend Sarah makes or the crazy stories Amy makes up on a regular basis. My life would be sorely lacking without these fun romps through my and my friends imaginations.

I think about this a lot actually but every once in awhile I am so dang grateful for what I have that I don't mind the failures, I don't mind the utter terror life often brings us (being unemployed being my current fear) and I don't mind the pain that comes with the failures because when I look back and see, really see what has happened and what I have learned, I feel grateful for the lesson (most of the time anyway) and even more grateful I can put it all behind me and move on.

And I am ridiculously grateful for the imagination I have. Life would be so much less magical without it and as JK says, "We do not need magic to change the world, we carry all the power we need inside ourselves already: we have the power to imagine better."

So on this special week, whether you read Harry Potter or not, take a moment and count your blessings, count your ducks that are neatly in a row and count your fingers, your toes and the hairs on your head and be grateful. Then take that moment of gratitude, let it spin out of you like a spell from a wand and bless those you love (maybe even a few peeps you don't like, cuz lets face it, everyone could do with some gratitude in their lives, friend or foe).

Wands OUT!

Wimp vs. Warrior: Battle Royale

So I'm a day later than normal for posting. I am sure my reader will be very sad ;) but the 4th of July proved to be a drunken feast so I was tired and hungover yesterday, not feeling my most conversational. Besides, I had to assist Tcup with a very important top secret super special mission.

Onward and Upward they say...

Im sitting here trying to figure out what I want to write about. I talk about being unemployed, I talk about this, I talk about hobbits, I talk about that. Does anyone care? I have no idea really. I can only assume people are looking at my blog but maybe a few comments might boost my ego, make me feel like this was worth my time.

Aw screw it. This is totally worth my time and I enjoy doing it. I like my own voice, I like hearing my own voice. I like writing in my own voice so hopefully someone, somewhere is also enjoying it but is also choosing to remain silent. Cool beans.

So I want to talk about duality and the two sides (or more) of ourselves. I know of at least two aspects to me that are most pronounced. The Wimp and The Warrior.

Truth be told, I'm starting to freak out. I don't have that much money saved and I am at a loss as to where to apply for jobs and what jobs I should apply for because I want to be truthful here, I don't want just any old job right now. I want the "perfect" part time job that will pay me a shit load of money and give me time to write and write and write because what do I want to do when I grow up? I want to be a writer. I love sitting at my computer composing. I love dipping into secret worlds that only I know the truth of and letting it all spill out on "paper" and I want to share that with the world and I want the world to love me.

But here's the hard part - letting people read my words.

That terrifies me, to my very bones I fear letting someone read what I have to offer and having them go "Yeah. It's uh...good." and saying NOTHING else but that because, dear reader, that would be tantamount to a SUCKER PUNCH IN THE GONADS UTERUS (I don't have gonads so I had fix that a bit, you get the gist).

I know what I write isn't perfect, not even close, but I love it. I love every word, syllable and every character. So my fear is that someone else will hate them or just think them...OK. These words I write are not just words, words have power and these words are MINE, they are my soul, my heart, my very life's blood. It's where I can say exactly what I want to say, exactly how I want to say it. It's where I find my true voice.

So you can see how to share this voice would fill me with fear and dread. And this my friends, is THE WIMP!

Uh Oh...here comes that other side of the Juice...the side I really like cuz she kind of kicks some serious ass...here she comes, cover your ears and gird your loins! It's THE WARRIOR!

GET. OVER. IT. - yep, that's what she says. Get over it you damn fool. You will never ever make it work if you continue to hide and cower in fear. Move past the fear, do not let it conquer you and get your words out there.

And I listen to her cuz 9 times out of 10 she's right. She told me to quit my job and even though I sit here in fear and panic not sure what is going to happen I know she was right and that she will make sure that I'm taken care of and that I will not be homeless. She's the girl I need on my side when I meet a dude I like and am afraid of letting him know. She's the girl I need on my side at job interviews and she's the girl I need at my back when I submit my writing. The Warrior is in all of us, I have seen her rear her fancy head in all of my friends at one point or another and she is awesome. She can cause some trouble too and sometimes she is just an asshole but in the end, she gets shit done!

But The Wimp has her place as well. She keeps me from doing really stupid things (I can think of a few I won't summarize here cuz well, they're not my finest moments) and she keeps my head on straight but The Wimp gets annoying and The Wimp pisses me off but that's why we have these multiple aspects to our being, it's why we aren't black and white (no matter what Michael Jackson says). And in all truthiness, it's what makes us all so dang interesting because at any given moment, you never know what you are going to get (or who).

So here is my promise to you dear dear reader, I will submit a short story to some places today and I will send the first 30-40 pages of my book to my "readers" (a select few who's opinion's I love and trust) and I will not fear their commentary. I will not fear their ridicule, their praise or their dislike. I will stand tall and I will know that my words are my voice and my voice is clear and my voice is powerful. (Yee Haw!)

And as I bid you adieu I ask you this, do you have that other side of you? That warrior side that keeps you safe and helps you fight your battles?

In case you were wondering, this is what I imagine my Warrior looks like (on good days)...

I just don't know.

What should we talk about today sweetlings? I was contemplating my blog today as I often do on Tuesday's and I realized that being unemployed is a boring topic of blog-conversation (as it is a boring topic of conversation to all my wonderful friends who put up with my moaning and groaning with valor and kindness. Thank you for that friends) so what else could I talk about? Being unemployed is really the center of my being at the moment and I hope each day for a phone call about a good job, a great job or perhaps the perfect job. None of those have come...yet.

But that is not what I wish to speak of today. Today I want to talk about something else, but what? I just watched all three Lord of the Rings movies and each time they move me in different ways, dependent I guess on my feelings at the time of viewing. This time the hope of all the characters moved me as did their bravery. Tolkien was a visionary (if a bit dry) and a lover of nature (duh) and a hater of the industrial revolution (a second duh) and I cannot fault that. I look around these days and am slightly disgusted by the computer/cell phone/ipads/tablets that seem to have taken over our world. We are a purely digital world and human contact seems to have flown out the window.

Now, do not think that by saying the above that I do not see the irony of someone blogging on a computer about how annoying computers are. I love them in their own way and for the way they keep us in touch but I also hate them for the way they keep us in touch. Some days I turn off my phone for the whole day just so that I can be at peace and let me tell ya, its glorious.

I have forgotten my point here in my mini-rant...oh yes, I didn't really have one so I shall now discuss Nature. Yep, good ole nature, the outdoors, bugs, dirt, spiders (shudder) and all that "goodness" (those that know me know I am being sarcastic slightly). As much as I find being hot and covered in bugs unlikeable I do love nature. I love sitting outside while a breeze dries the sweat on my face and the birds sing their songs. I love standing outside on a clear night and seeing the stars and feeling so tiny it is almost painful. I love sitting by the ocean, watching the endless tides roll in and out. It stirs some old humanity in me that I have forgotten. It makes me wish for a different time when all the jobs I am qualified for weren't computer-centric. It makes me wish my life had taken a different path to where I could be outside. It makes me wish I were a little bit braver.

But I am afraid like the rest of us. I took this step into the unknown thinking someone or some job would catch me right away. That didn't happen and here I sit, day after day, searching for jobs. Getting responses that are 60% scams, 20% crappy jobs I would never want to do and 20% legitmate jobs that don't want me after I interview. It bruises the soul and makes me wish I had never given my notice.

But there is that other part of me that is so ETERNALLY GRATEFUL that I quit. I am so grateful to be out of that world and onto something else...something possibly more exciting.

Uh oh...here I go talking about my unemployment again! I'm so self-centered. I apologize my dear (and few) readers. It seems I cannot start on any path that does not seem to lead to what my life is like right now. Once again my apologies. It cannot be helped and since this is my blog I guess I'll write what I dang well please! (but don't think I don't appreciate you reading it. Thank you!)

As a wise hobbit once said, "It's a dangerous business, going out your door. You step onto the road, and if you don't keep your feet, there's no telling where you might be swept off to." So I stepped out the door of what I knew and am trying to keep my feet until I find my way. Its tiring, its stressful and it's kind of fun.

Yeah, I'm waxing poetical. Again, it's my blog, I'll do what I please. Thank you very much.

Anyway, this post today is meandering into the incomprehensible and perhaps pointless so let me say one last thing. What I want to get across is four things:

1. Don't be afraid to jump into nothing
2. Do your best to enjoy the down time (I'm working on this one)
3. Do not take candy from strangers, unless it's skittles. Never be afraid to taste the rainbow.
4. Find a nice hobbit hole to live in and stay there for life. Seriously, where can I find one of these? If I ever become a rich, successful writer, I am so building a hobbit hole.

Love, Light and Donut holes.

I Call You Chicken Sir!

I have been pondering what I should write about today. I have entertained you (hopefully) you all with tales of my job search, yogic behavior and my love for my former job, amongst other fascinating tales. I gave a few book reviews and spent some time waxing philosophical. What more can I write about?

I decided on the feeling of uselessness. That feeling we all get once in awhile as people we care about run about frantically trying to get shit done or when people we love are hurt or hurting and we don’t know how to help them or love them. Yeah, that useless feeling is abundant in my life right now. I feel wasted, unimportant and a waste of space.

Let me first clarify that I am not saying useless and meaning suicidal or depressed. Far from it. I am more saying that my uselessness stems from not having a job that matters. Form not having a job really. From sitting around all day playing with my blog that has about 4 readers (if I am lucky) and from not making any money or contributing to society in any way.

I never realized that having a job is what made me feel useful in the world. It made me feel like I was contributing in some small way to the world at large and therefore making my presence in the world worthwhile. Now that I am unemployed I have this emptiness in my life that I didn’t know could exist. I have no reason to get up in the morning, no reason to go through each day with purpose. Instead of waking up early, getting dressed and going off to the office, I wake up at any hour I choose, make a nice cup of coffee and watch tv for a bit before showering (mostly because I feel sleepy and unclean otherwise) and setteling down to apply for jobs and/or do some work for my former employer.

I tell people I am a writer, but really am I? I don’t write anything right now. I feel uninspired and tired honestly. I don’t want to sit in front of the computer and think about creative stuff. I don’t feel creative in any way. But then Tuesday rolls around and I think, oh its time to post a blog and there I go, sitting in front of the computer… thinking again. Im a funny creature really.

I suppose I have tons of options, tons of avenues to explore but I am uncertain. I am unsure which road I want to travel but even as I type this I feel that as a lie. I do know what I want to do, I want to write, to be successful and be my own boss in a creative way. I want to make collages (like the very silly but quite interesting one I am creating on our bathroom wall)

and I want to be creative every single day of my life. I don’t want to work in an office, suffering the whims of some crazy ass boss who is miserable and looking to inflict misery on their employees.

So I guess I need to pep talk my own sweet self into doing what I want to do rather than just talking about what I want to do. I will admit to being lazy and forging a career as a writer means a certain amount of hard work on my part but I have some great peeps in my life who would be willing to help me out if I just attempted to try.

Hmmm…trying. That’s a tough one for me. I always fear trying because the failure sucks and so very often I have failed but if you flip the coin there is a lot of success in their too. I mean really, there are people out their attempting things WAY harder than my little dream of being a writer. There are people attempting to stay alive in war zones, people attempting to keep their families safe in suburban towns. There are so many more struggling than myself. But in the end each of our lives are about us so I guess it’s OK to be a little bit selfish with it. More I want you to realize Dear Reader, that I am aware of the other side of things, I do have perspective. I am not entirely a selfish asshole.

Not entirely.

It’s a slippery slope spending so much time alone. It makes you sit with yourself in all sorts of kooky ways and spending so much time alone means you spend so very much time with yourself (gasp).

Well good or bad I guess I should actually do something about my dreams eh?

Until next time America.

Peace, love and 300 Spartans in their leather diapers.

That's not very Yogic

Ugh...the title of this blog just annoys me! And I have been just as guilty of saying that phrase as any one I know. While it annoys me I still can’t seem to help but make that observation from time to time.

Some of you may be asking, what the hell is Juice talking about? Has she lost her mind? Fallen off her rocker? Taken a dive into the seas of insanity?

The answer, dear readers, is yes to all of these things. But that is a whole other kettle of monkeys so lets try to keep to the topic at hand.

To illuminate the "masses", some yogi’s say that other people’s behavior is considered “not yogic”, meaning, it is not peaceful, kind or calm (I find it to mean that someone has annoyed you so you tell them they aren’t yogic – but that’s just me people).

An example:

THE SCENARIO: Someone in a yoga class is breathing as good or better than Darth Vader ever could.

THE OUTCOME: Some students may become frustrated or angry with this Hoover vacuum sounding person.

YOGIC OR NOT YOGIC?: That type of anger is considered "not very yogic". Why? Well because a yoga class is supposed to be full of serene, happy, mellow people who would never notice a loud breather if they sat in your lap face-to-face and yelled, "HEY! Listen to me breathe! Isn’t it cool?!"

MY THOUGHTS: Aww F&%k it people! It's a class full of yogic peeps not freakin GURU's! We are all beautiful flawed, wonderfully wacky people who have quirks, bad days, good days, pissy wanna stomp out humanity days and on some of those days a loud breather makes you want to pick them up and throw them out of the yoga studio. Be at peace with that anger, do not judge (because my little kiddies, THAT is the worst yogic attitude to have) and live and let live. I say if you can make a face, get yourself to giggle about the loud breather and move on with your practice with grace and ease than just do that! Then, once class is over, get your groovy self out of class, into a bar and start making fun of that mouth breather for a few minutes. (I know, I know, that seems kind of judgemental and mean but hey, I’m as human as the rest of you and who doesn’t garner a wee bit of satisfaction out of mocking others, come on, don’t lie to me, much like Professor X in X-Men I can read your minds!)

Look, doing yoga does not make us perfect. It is called PRACTICE for a reason people! We are trying, we are working, we are practicing at being more patient, more kind and more understanding of the quirks that make this crazy cheese ball called life go round.

To be yogic or not to be yogic, what the hell difference does it really make at the end of the day?

What does matter is that you see what you(yes, YOU there in the back, reading this with a snarl on your face and rolling your eyes at me, I see you!) are doing when you get mad at something silly (and lets face it, loud breathing is a really ridiculous thing to get pissed off at. It's almost as silly as getting mad at someone for having B.O.). that the person doing the action cannot really control all that much. Once you see it, really SEE it for what it is, well, then you let it go. Have a laugh. Have a beer. Have some sex. Do whatever you need to do to move past it and realize that hey, it's great they breathe loud because now I can fart loud and no one will hear me. Or maybe you try their way of breathing and find it cathartic!

In the end I say it’s not about what is "yogic" or not, it's about what is humane or not. It is about what is judgmental and what is not. It’s about the love you feel towards that person who is breathing loud and annoying the ever-loving CRAP out of you because you do love them. Deep, deep, DEEP down you love them so much it hurts. But we forget that we love each other, we forget that what makes us all the same is our humanity and part of that humanity is our flaws. Our beautiful flaws. Loud breathing, farting, moaning...all of this is part of a yoga class so I would say, ALL of it is "yogic".

It’s what you do after class that makes you “yogic” or “not yogic” so take that mat with you everywhere you go (figuratively that is) and take some time to watch what you are doing and thinking instead of worrying so much about what everyone else is doing or thinking.

And oh yeah, watch out for telepath’s, they see your thoughts and know the truth.

Take that beyotches.

My Love Letter to All That Matters

This is my love letter, my homage (if you will) to my time spent at All That Matters. It has been six years. It has been the longest job I have ever had and it has so far been THE most fulfilling job I have ever had. I do not know where or who I would be without All That Matters and I most certainly know that I would not know the people I know and feel the love that I feel EVERY DAMN DAY without having been a part of the ATM Family.

There have been very dark and bad times for me at ATM. There were times when I couldn't stand it there, where I felt like the worst person in the world and where I disliked the people I worked with. There was a time where I just plain hated myself and treated those around me with anger, vile words and behavior. There were times when my life was falling apart and I had nowhere to go except work to keep me sane.

Through it all they loved me. Even if it was hard to see that love, they did. The love never waivered and it never once left my side. It was always there for me to grab ahold of when I was ready to see it and accept it with grace and ease. For that I am eternally grateful.

There is and so much fun at ATM. That crazy place is FILLED to the brim with love for the people who walk through the doors and who work their fine behinds off every single day. I can think of no job that I have ever left with such a feeling of pride at having done what I did there. I can look back and know that at least at one point in my life, I worked someplace that mattered. I worked someplace that does and will continue to make a difference in people's lives.

I am so proud to be a part of All That Matters (because it is like the mob. once you get in, you never get out) but I am also proud at having made the decision to leave ATM. Because it was time, because I wanted to leave before I didnt truly love it anymore and because it isn't what I want to do with my life.

What do I want to do? Not sure yet. But I know that having been at ATM has made it easier for me to sit down, meditate and come up with that perfect picture of what I want to do.

In the meantime, you might see me wandering the yoga studios of ATM or attempting to be a barrista at Starbucks. Who knows? I jumped without a net this time (first time ever in my life) and the only reason I could do that was because I had gained a faith in myself and my decisions from working at ATM that I never thought I could aspire to. When I started at ATM I was a selfish, mean and pompous girl. I leave ATM knowing that I have grown kinder, more patient and far more loving than I thought was possible. It was a painful process (for me and for all around me) but it was worth more than any high paying job could have been.

Anyway, I wanted to say that today, before my final desk shift after six years of service so that everyone knows that no matter what I have said about ATM, it was the best job I ever had and I am so very honored to be leaving with a grace and dignity I never knew I had.

Thank you especially to Joan. I am so honored to be your friend.

I would love to thank all of my ATM friends personally but that would take days so for now, know that you are all so very special to me that there are no words that can truly express it and I hope that in all our time together you know that I love you!

See you all on the flip side.

The Search Continues...

As some of you may know, I quit my job at All That Matters recently. I have been winding my time down slowly but surely and am starting to feel some panic around the fact that I have been on a few job interviews but have not been offered any jobs. It makes me wonder a few things;

1. What is wrong with me that places do not seem to want to hire me? ~ Then I remember that there isn't anything wrong with ME, it's them. Totally them for being stupid enough to pass up having me as an employee. Duh.

2. Why do places insist on taking up people's valuable time? I went to what was seriously the weirdest job interview I have ever been on. They put about 15 of us in a room, made us go down the line and say a few things about ourselves and then picked 3 out of the 15 to keep. As I was one of the 3 they picked I was at first pleased. Then they made us take 3 tests. One to show we can follow directions, an IQ test, and a Personality Quiz. It took about 2 hours and after that they let us leave. Not ONCE did they interview us one-on-one. They did not call me. I can only assume my IQ and Personality were so GREAT that they decided I was overqualified. Either that or they thought I was a possible serial killer with bad math skills. Either way, I feel I dodged a bullet there. Who would want to work at a Doctor's office that judges so weirdly? That JUDGES? NOT OK.

3. Why is it that people do not know basic interview skills? I went on another interview where the girl talked the entire time (she barely took a breath) therefore not giving me any time to talk about myself and my skills. Then she said twice that I seemed really great and that she thought I would fit in well at her company and that she would contact me by 5pm that night. I never heard from her again. BI-Zarro!

So what have I learned here? I learned that it is much harder to get a job than it used to be (I know, I know. The bad economy and all that. I KNOW) plus people are complete morons who judge on looks and a 5 second interaction. It makes me sad, angry and more determined than ever to one day be my OWN damn boss.

I have to keep reminding myself that by quitting a secure and comfortable job I am actually taking control of my life and my future. It is honestly courageous. At the same time, it is scary as frickin hell.

I keep going though, because I have no choice but also because it is about damn time I proved to myself that I am the capable person I always think I am.

So the search continues...keep wishing me luck!

The Seriously True Story of the Scared Sacrum

I cannot think of many people who have not had back issues at least once in their life. My family, in various incantations, all have had bad backs or thrown their backs out, or lost their backs in unfortunate smelting accidents. My friends, dance to hard, hurt their back. Hug too hard, hurt their backs. You get the idea. Basically, most people nowaday's seem to have issues with their backs. I too, am one of the "lucky" who suffers from back pain. Have since I was a teenager and at one point I wore a back brace. It was an uncomfortable contraption that I had to cover up with bulky sweaters and wear with oversized pants to fit over the brace.

There was a period in my life when my back pain was more serious, making it difficult for me to endure long drives, long periods of sitting or standing without pain and discomfort. Then for the first time in my life my back went "out". I was sitting on my couch and reached forward to grab the remote, pop went my back and into agony I went.

I could barely walk, sit, lie down or stand. It was truly some of the worst pain I had ever been in and I couldn't for the life of me understand why it had happened. I felt panic at the idea that this kind of pain was going to last forever. I felt depressed and was having one of the best pity parties for myself that I had ever had.

Luckily, by the time this came about, I had a great chiropractor who I knew could help me. I just had to wait for Monday to get a treatment (the back went on a Sunday morning, typical). Once treated a couple times I was back to "normal" and my life went on.

Then, a few years later, it happened again. This time I was lifting a heavy box and quite honestly I lifted the dang thing the wrong way (lesson learned: alwayslift with your knees and not with your back!). Again, I hobbled in for a treatment and within days I was better. Flipping backflips and attempting squat thrusts once again!

Last week, it happened for the third time. Now I know that this is something that is going to happen to me periodically for no reason at all. This time I had stood up, sat down and stood backup again when I realized my back had gone all coco-NUTS and I was about to end up in a world of pain. By the end of the day I couldn't walk without tears springing from my eyes. I gasped each time I moved with the amount of pain that sprang up.

Of course, in my time of unforeseen crises, my chiropractor was away (the nerve of him to go sailing away in pirate lands!). Luckily I had other options. I called my friends Doctor who didn't see patients on Thursdays and when I finally got a call back, I couldn't see him until Monday. I spent the next 4 days in pain and discomfort. Alternating between tears and morose acceptance of what had happened.

A week later, I am on the mend. Still crooked, still feeling twinges of pain if I move too fast and knowing that one more adjustment should do the trick. Also knowing that this type of pain is going to happen to me on and off for the rest of my life. It's depressing and makes me feel old at 32. It also makes me want to jump (carefully of course) back into my yoga practice which has been on hiatus since I sprained my ankle almost 3 months ago now. But which has obviously kept me pain free for the year I have committed to it on a mostly daily basis.

Yoga isn't just so you can impress the men folk with how far your legs go up and over your head ladies, it saves lives! (insert chuckle here) I kid, I kid...more seriously, yoga really does keep you and your spine flexible and ready to handle whatever you throw at it (be it backflips, somersaults or knife wielding clowns bent on your destruction).

Typically it seems that my back goes out when I am times of high emotional or physical stress. Each time there has been something going on in my life that precipitates this joyous occasion. This time it was the deadly combo of my spraining my ankle and therefore being off balance for 3 months combined with quitting my job that I have held for six years without a replacement job in sight.

It continues to amaze me how the body and mind are connected so intimiately as to effect one another in such drastic (and annoying) ways. Maybe that makes me sound slow or stupid but when you are happy and healthy you tend to forget how quickly unhappiness manifests into disease and pain in the body.

Stay healthy and happy my friends. It is way more fun than the alternative*.

*The alternative being pain and/or disease (in case you missed my point).

Mostly Unemployed?

I loved where I worked. I liked my job. It came time, after six years, for me to decide to shit or get off the pot as it were. I needed to either take a leap of faith or continue on with a job that made me stressed, sad and unfulfilled.

I jumped.

And now I am mostly unemployed. I work a few hours at All That Matters and the rest of my time is currently filled with panic, job searching, panic and here we go, blogging. Because instead of crying in a ball wearing sweatpants all day and eating chocolate I have decided to write about what I am feeling, doing and what I am not doing. So far it's pretty fun and you know something else? It feels right.

I have been saying for years that I am a writer but not really meaning it. Well, shit or get off the pot and here I am, officially attempting to write about something I love. Me! Cuz let's face it, I love me and you love YOU and we all love ourselves (not in the dirty way perverts) so why not talk about ourselves while also talking about the world and how it has changed in the last six years and how I have changed in the last six years!?

So here I am, mostly unemployed, slightly panicked and actually quite happy. Go figure.

Now, let me clarify something in case you do not know. I am not rich and have a little saved to get through a month or two of being mostly/totally unemployed but that's it. So I am still job searching but I am searching in the hope of finding the perfect part-time job that leaves me time to entertain the masses with my sometimes witty and all the time enjoyable writing. Can you help me out with this wish and keep your eyes peeled (disgusting saying) and your ears open in the hopes of finding The Juice the perfect job solution that leaves her happy and fulfilled?

Yeah I see you rolling your eyes and sarcastically saying "Good Luck" but I believe the Universe is my friend (all our friend actually) and is ready and willing to give us what we need, we just have to ask for it!

So here I am, asking for it. Give it to me!

Yoga Can Keep Your Head From Exploding. It's True!

I know what you are thinking, seriously, I know. I have mind-reading powers that you don't know about (well until now that is). You're thinking, what is this talk of brain's exploding and yoga having the power to stop that from happening?

It's like, totally true!

Let me begin at the beginning:

I work (or worked depending on your perspective, but that is another tale for another day) at a yoga studio in Rhode Island. A place called All That Matters. It is the best studio in RI (if I do say so myself) and it has taught me much.

But I digress slightly, let us get back to the tale at hand shall we?

I was working at the aforementioned yoga studio when I was out one wild and wooley evening and met myself what seemed like a fabulous man. He was older, drove a Harley (gasp) and had a handlebar moustache. All of these things and other things (that will remain private) set him up to be a great find for the Juice. Or so she thought!

Two months (keep that in mind friends) of "dating" later your heroine comes to find out that said Harley Moustache Man is MARRIED. Unhappily so, but married nonetheless. Making him off limits in my book. The "relationship" was terminated and your author was left feeling quite sad, distraught, deceived, etc etc etc.

So she started going to yoga. One reason was it was the only thing I could think of that might have a chance of saving me from myself, the other being a preperation for a long yoga event I wanted to partake in. So I went to yoga every day, thats 90 minutes of stretching and being with yourself every day.

I am not kidding when I say it saved me.

Months went by and I realized that instead of being mad at this Harley Man, I was thankful to him. Imagine my surprise when compassion and pity was what I felt towards this man who had broken my heart. I felt sad for him that he was now stuck in his life of sadness and misery but that I had flourished by being a part of his life. I had begun going to yoga which made me feel better which in turn made me look better. My life took a turn I never saw coming.

I was happy. Truly happy for the first time in my entire life because I had found something true and real that I could do and I could do well.

And it kept my head from exploding. And you know what I can do now? Well I can hold my head up high, knowing I did what was right for me. I can also touch my head to the floor in a forward fold. Pretty dang exciting.

My Addiction to Reading (yup)

I love books. My whole life they have been my constant companion, my drug of choice, my addiction. As with any relationship we have had our ups and downs. In the end though we always find our way back to each other. I never really lose my love for books so much as I misplace it behind the couch. It is always there, hiding, collecting dust and patiently waiting for me to be ready to fall in love with it all over again and I always do.

In a big way.

I feel right when I'm reading and as a writer I feel that without reading you simply can't write. That if you don’t observe and absorb what others have done before you then you cannot possibly find your own voice, your own style.

So there you have, my confession, my love. My addiction.

Reading.

All of that being said I want to let you all in on some good reads you too can enjoy!

World War Z by Max Brooks

If you like zombies and zombie books than this is the book for you. It is an “oral history” of the Zombie War. The chapters are short; the writing is snappy while sometimes being quite poignant and funny. At times you are reading along, knowing full well that what you are reading is not true, when you find yourself believing that this could in fact happen. At the very least, it is a good allegory of our times. And maybe, not so far from the truth of what would happen at the end of the world.

Jane Slayre by Charlotte Bronte and Sherri Browning Erwin

This is the “true” accounting of Jane Eyre, the one that publishers couldn’t bear but that can now come to light in our more liberal world! In this account Jane is a young girl living with her adopted family of viscous vampires. She is lucky enough to escape them by being sent away to school…with zombies! What follows is a well written and plucky account of Jane learning how to combat vampires, zombies and werewolves and more importantly, become secure in her own power and ability to stand up for herself and those she loves. It’s fun, exciting and a true work of literature!

Drink, Play, F@#k: One Man’s Search for Anything Across Ireland, Las Vegas and Thailand
by Andrew Gottlieb

In this spoof of Eat, Pray, Love our “hero” Bob Sullivan is cheated on by his wife and finds himself in search of…something. He decides to combat his blues by taking a trip to Ireland (where he drinks himself SILLY), Las Vegas (where he learns to gamble) and Thailand (where he inexplicably finds love). While this book is quite funny it has some really touching moments such as when Bob realizes that its not even the drinking that makes Ireland fun, it’s the “camaraderie and the open, accepting attitude toward friends and fun.” It is also ironic that in a search to “make fun” of the original material, Bob finds his own way to “find himself” and come back to the world a whole, happy person.