I don’t know when it started, maybe at birth? But at some point I realized that I was dragging around my life feeling unworthy of love, unworthy of friendship and unworthy of every kind emotion offered up to me. I felt like anyone showing me any kind of love was doing so out of pity and a feeling of guilt. They couldn’t possibly be doing it out of actual unconditional love because they didn’t know me, the “real” me and if they did they would quickly realize that I am not worthy of unconditional love.
This is what I allowed myself to think for as long as I can remember. I still think it occasionally now. The difference being that now I know its false. But that doesn’t make the thoughts any less painful. Any less real feeling.
When I start to have those “What’s wrong with me?” feelings I now try to stop myself and re-frame the thinking into something like “What’s right with me?!”
It is a midly successful endeavor and 6 out of 7 days I’ll go around thinking, “Hey, I’m Awesome.”
But then comes Day 7 and it’s not so great. All the insecurity, all the doubt, all the fear rears up and sucks me in and I am powerless against it. I try to fight it and push it away and again, I am usually successful nowadays. I have the tools in my toolbox to help me with this. But as many of my loved ones know, this past month or so I have been unable to push away the demons and I allowed them to suck me under for a bit. I spent time living in the house where I wasn’t good enough. Where I was worthless and alone for a reason. That no one loved me like I thought they did and that I was a burden on them with my sadness. I didn’t understand why anyone loved me because I was not a good person. It was all a lie, a fake out, I was pretending to be a good person so that I wouldn’t be alone.
(I know it’s silly)
The fact was and sometimes still is that I often feel alone. I have a family that loves me, I have friends that love me and whom I love and would do anything for and I have a wonderfully full and fun life. But I feel alone a lot of times. I feel like I carry the burden of my life upon my shoulders, unable to share it with anyone (yes, I am aware that EVERYONE does this). I am tired of it and I want to share it with someone. And yes, I know I deserve it but is it ever going to happen to me? I don’t know. None of you know. This is not to say that I am closed off to the idea, I just can no longer have the hope I once did for this to happen. Romantic love and I do not get along, never have and possibly never will (I say possibly, not never). If this is the case and I don’t find romantic love why cant I just be satisfied with what I have?
Why, as a race, are we never fully satisfied with the goodness and abundance we have?
These are big questions and I don’t have big answers for them. I don’t even have small answers for them. I just know that I work every single day at keeping the dark thoughts at bay (and its easier now than it once was) and I live in the hope that my life will always be this full of love, even if it is not necessarily the love I wish for.
Friday, April 13, 2012
Wednesday, April 4, 2012
How are you today? Terrible, thanks for asking - A Mini Social Experiment
You know how people ask you in passing how you are today? And we all pretty much answer with "Good", "Fine" or something like that? Well I decided not to do that anymore. It seems silly to lie, unless the person asking you is the person who pissed you off or upset you of course.
The last 2 months have been pretty rough for me and I didnt make it out into the world much during that time. So now that I am back out in the world again people who I am friendly with (but not friendly enough to know what is going on with me) ask how I have been since they haven't seen me in "awhile".
My favorite response to the "How are you?" question is to say "Well, lets see...my life has SUCKED these last 2 months. How have you been?" and then I watch them struggle to figure out how best to answer. Do they talk about themselves without asking what the heck was going on with me or do they ask me what happened? It's a funny thing to see that lucky for me, most of my friends ask what was going on. There were a few who ignored the comment and went on a LONG tirade about themselves but I dont like them much anyway so its no biggie really. I probably wouldn't have told them a dang thing about myself anyway.
Basically, I am running my own little social experiement to see how kind people I know are. I am happy to report they are all mostly very kind and I am a lucky woman.
My co-workers on the other hand...I realized the other day they are (for the most part) "literally too stupid to insult" as Stu would say (from "The Hangover" for those who don't know) so I mock them behind their backs (and sometimes to their faces but they don't catch on) and I mess with their bathroom spray but they are still the people who thought I would "bounce back" the day after my Grandfather died and be all better. Then had the nerve to say "Do you think you wouldnt be so sad if you had gone to see him in the hospital?" Yep. Those are my co-workers. They are kind people overall but they are so spiritually stunted it hurts me some days.
More on that at a later date! Peace and Fig Newtons My Friends!
The last 2 months have been pretty rough for me and I didnt make it out into the world much during that time. So now that I am back out in the world again people who I am friendly with (but not friendly enough to know what is going on with me) ask how I have been since they haven't seen me in "awhile".
My favorite response to the "How are you?" question is to say "Well, lets see...my life has SUCKED these last 2 months. How have you been?" and then I watch them struggle to figure out how best to answer. Do they talk about themselves without asking what the heck was going on with me or do they ask me what happened? It's a funny thing to see that lucky for me, most of my friends ask what was going on. There were a few who ignored the comment and went on a LONG tirade about themselves but I dont like them much anyway so its no biggie really. I probably wouldn't have told them a dang thing about myself anyway.
Basically, I am running my own little social experiement to see how kind people I know are. I am happy to report they are all mostly very kind and I am a lucky woman.
My co-workers on the other hand...I realized the other day they are (for the most part) "literally too stupid to insult" as Stu would say (from "The Hangover" for those who don't know) so I mock them behind their backs (and sometimes to their faces but they don't catch on) and I mess with their bathroom spray but they are still the people who thought I would "bounce back" the day after my Grandfather died and be all better. Then had the nerve to say "Do you think you wouldnt be so sad if you had gone to see him in the hospital?" Yep. Those are my co-workers. They are kind people overall but they are so spiritually stunted it hurts me some days.
More on that at a later date! Peace and Fig Newtons My Friends!
Tuesday, March 27, 2012
What you Do vs. Who you Are
Jobs are important. Having the money to survive your life and pay your way through it while also having some extra to do fun things is important. It’s so important to many that we get jobs that are a complete and utter waste of time. They have no meaning. They add nothing to our lives nor do they enrich it any way. So we have to find our fun outside of work, make that money we earned doing useless task after useless task mean something. To have it matter in some way.
Maybe that fun stuff is donating to charity, maybe it’s simply going to the bar with friends to have a few drinks and relax or maybe it’s renting a movie and relaxing at home. For everyone it’s different. For everyone it is special.
But what if you don’t have that? What if you go home from work each and every day and just feel sad that your life has been reduced to this?
Or what if, after a day of meaningless work, you are so tired and strung out that you have nothing left to offer anyone and just crawl into bed at 8:30pm because you know it all starts over again tomorrow?
Is this depression? Maybe it is. Or maybe it’s something else. Maybe it’s a feeling of being stuck as a cog in a wheel that goes absolutely nowhere. That day in and day out you go to work, you do your job (in a mediocre fashion because really, what does it matter?) and then you go home. Eat dinner. Go to bed. Lather, rinse and repeat for tomorrow.
I don’t have any answers here. I am merely trying to figure my place in this world. Because I work at a job that is so completely without meaning that I don’t know what to do with it. I don’t know how I am going to continue waking up at 6am and going to a place where people obsess about the weather, where they rant and rave against invisible toilet paper snatchers and where they make everyone take a turn at being kitchen captain and then are mystified when their kitchen captains DON’T GIVE A SHIT about it.
I try to look at the good. They are kind and seemingly compassionate people who have been very patient while I have fallen apart mentally and physically these last two months. They have not questioned or become angry at my missing work (I have missed more work here than I ever did in the six years I worked at ATM, go figure) and they don’t care how much vacation time you take. I can wear jeans and flip flops. I can sit here writing my blog post and no one notices. There are very clear “Pro’s” to this job.
It’s just that the “Con’s” are making me feel crazy. The work runs dry a lot so I end up sitting her with nothing to do. It also gives me 8 hours each day to contemplate my place in the world as I suffer through my very first existential crises. Good and Bad. Too much time to think about yourself and your problems can oftentimes create MORE problems. In the end though, it has given me the space to see what MY issues are and how to go about rectifying them. So that is a plus right?
I guess in the end it is a way to make money, it’s health insurance, it’s a way to keep a roof over my head, food in my belly and a cold glass of whiskey in my hand.
But it cannot last for long. Or I might just lose my way and I cannot lose my way again. It took me far too many years for me to find it. So if you see me on the street and I start obsessing about the weather and toilet paper, give me a good HARD smack across the face and remind me that there are other things to obsess about.
Christian Bale for one.
Cookies for two.
Booze for three.
What I do for a LIVING isn’t important. Who I AM is what matters.
Maybe that fun stuff is donating to charity, maybe it’s simply going to the bar with friends to have a few drinks and relax or maybe it’s renting a movie and relaxing at home. For everyone it’s different. For everyone it is special.
But what if you don’t have that? What if you go home from work each and every day and just feel sad that your life has been reduced to this?
Or what if, after a day of meaningless work, you are so tired and strung out that you have nothing left to offer anyone and just crawl into bed at 8:30pm because you know it all starts over again tomorrow?
Is this depression? Maybe it is. Or maybe it’s something else. Maybe it’s a feeling of being stuck as a cog in a wheel that goes absolutely nowhere. That day in and day out you go to work, you do your job (in a mediocre fashion because really, what does it matter?) and then you go home. Eat dinner. Go to bed. Lather, rinse and repeat for tomorrow.
I don’t have any answers here. I am merely trying to figure my place in this world. Because I work at a job that is so completely without meaning that I don’t know what to do with it. I don’t know how I am going to continue waking up at 6am and going to a place where people obsess about the weather, where they rant and rave against invisible toilet paper snatchers and where they make everyone take a turn at being kitchen captain and then are mystified when their kitchen captains DON’T GIVE A SHIT about it.
I try to look at the good. They are kind and seemingly compassionate people who have been very patient while I have fallen apart mentally and physically these last two months. They have not questioned or become angry at my missing work (I have missed more work here than I ever did in the six years I worked at ATM, go figure) and they don’t care how much vacation time you take. I can wear jeans and flip flops. I can sit here writing my blog post and no one notices. There are very clear “Pro’s” to this job.
It’s just that the “Con’s” are making me feel crazy. The work runs dry a lot so I end up sitting her with nothing to do. It also gives me 8 hours each day to contemplate my place in the world as I suffer through my very first existential crises. Good and Bad. Too much time to think about yourself and your problems can oftentimes create MORE problems. In the end though, it has given me the space to see what MY issues are and how to go about rectifying them. So that is a plus right?
I guess in the end it is a way to make money, it’s health insurance, it’s a way to keep a roof over my head, food in my belly and a cold glass of whiskey in my hand.
But it cannot last for long. Or I might just lose my way and I cannot lose my way again. It took me far too many years for me to find it. So if you see me on the street and I start obsessing about the weather and toilet paper, give me a good HARD smack across the face and remind me that there are other things to obsess about.
Christian Bale for one.
Cookies for two.
Booze for three.
What I do for a LIVING isn’t important. Who I AM is what matters.
Wednesday, March 21, 2012
The Juice Gives Great Phone.
Not to brag, but I give great phone.
Seriously. As grumpy, persnickety and ornery as I may seem in real life. Over the phone I am the epitome of kindness, grace and peppy good nature.
Normally that type of good phone work gets a response from the person on the other end of the line with equal parts happiness. Not here, not here at my work where good manners went to die. Here my happy little spit fire nature is met with what can only be suspicion or confusion. Like these people aren’t used to talking to nice people. I don’t get it.
My adventures here in office land have been met with failure. I appreciate the kind and open vibe of this place but there are no manners that I have come to expect via email and phone and in PERSON over the years. There isn’t that genuine love for what is being done that I got spoiled with at my old job and there isn’t any PASSION here.
I still do not regret quitting my old job but I’m starting to question the longevity of this position. I may lose my mind here.
Thank God I have Yoga. Or I would if my body and mind would stop collapsing so that I cannot go. But hey, Yoga is always there right? A patient, loving friend waiting to wrap its arms around me once I am fully able (mentally and physically) to return to its embrace.
Thank GOD for YOGA.
Cuz I ain’t kidding my friends. I wouldn’t make it here without it.
“You cannot do yoga. Yoga is your natural state. What you can do are yoga exercises, which may reveal to you where you are resisting your natural state.” ~Sharon Gannon
Seriously. As grumpy, persnickety and ornery as I may seem in real life. Over the phone I am the epitome of kindness, grace and peppy good nature.
Normally that type of good phone work gets a response from the person on the other end of the line with equal parts happiness. Not here, not here at my work where good manners went to die. Here my happy little spit fire nature is met with what can only be suspicion or confusion. Like these people aren’t used to talking to nice people. I don’t get it.
My adventures here in office land have been met with failure. I appreciate the kind and open vibe of this place but there are no manners that I have come to expect via email and phone and in PERSON over the years. There isn’t that genuine love for what is being done that I got spoiled with at my old job and there isn’t any PASSION here.
I still do not regret quitting my old job but I’m starting to question the longevity of this position. I may lose my mind here.
Thank God I have Yoga. Or I would if my body and mind would stop collapsing so that I cannot go. But hey, Yoga is always there right? A patient, loving friend waiting to wrap its arms around me once I am fully able (mentally and physically) to return to its embrace.
Thank GOD for YOGA.
Cuz I ain’t kidding my friends. I wouldn’t make it here without it.
“You cannot do yoga. Yoga is your natural state. What you can do are yoga exercises, which may reveal to you where you are resisting your natural state.” ~Sharon Gannon
Wednesday, March 7, 2012
I've Lost That Faithful Feeling
Let me take a moment and preface this post with the following:
1.I know that everything my friends and loved ones say is meant to help.
2.I know it all comes from a place of love and that it eventually does help.
3.This is in no way an indictment of the kindness of those who love me. I appreciate and adore them and would be lost without them.
All that being said, let us begin.
My whole life I have had ups and downs emotionally. I range from depression to happiness like anyone else. As the years have passed I have found a way to crawl out of the depression in a more clear and healthy way. That doesn’t mean that I don’t still fall into the hole of it from time to time. It happens and I wallow for a bit and then usually move on.
This time it feels different. This time I feel as though I have hit the wall of my ability to have faith in the Universe. I know and still believe there is a plan behind it all. But as time goes on and things fall apart for me I have less and less faith that the Universe is going to come up with one big giant win for me. Maybe it will. Maybe it won’t. Problem is, I have a win. I’m happy. I’m going along and that nagging little voices is whispering in my ear “It won’t last. You know it’s all going to fall apart. You aren’t worthy of this happiness.” I have gotten much better at pushing that voice aside. But you know what? 9 out of 10 times that damn voice is RIGHT.
I feel humiliated by my blind faith in the Universe, by my going around saying this is great, this is going to work out. Im finally going to have the things that I want and be HAPPY. I ignored the little voice. I ignored my own gut instincts and I sit here, writing this and wondering about the point of it all. Yes Ce, I am having my very own existential crisis.
My friends are amazing, wonderfully strong and so supportive it makes me want to weep with joy at having been lucky enough to have found them. But they don’t know what to say. There is honestly nothing to BE said about it. What has happened to me in my life lately is what is happening. I cannot control it. I cannot ignore it. They cannot fix it. All they can do is love me and they do.
But I am sick of hearing the following phrases:
1.In the future, it’ll be easier (yes, I know this)
2.Their loss.
3.There is a plan and a lesson with this, as with everything.
4.You did the right thing
5.That right thing/person/alien life form will come along and you’ll be SO happy
The reason this stuff pisses me off? Because it doesn’t help me. It doesn’t soothe the pain and it doesn’t make me suddenly get up and say, “By God You are RIGHT! I feel better.” And that may not be the point. But its all that can be said to someone in pain. It doesn’t change the pain and it doesn’t make it go away. So I ask those that I love, don’t say it. Just love me and try to distract me from the pain I feel and let me just be in this space with it. I have lost my faith, I don’t know if it’ll come back because I can’t see that far ahead but it’s gone right now. I need to retreat for a bit and lick my wounds, wallow a bit and just sit with the pain and confusion that is inside me right now. I know this sounds melodramatic and really, I am quite aware things could be worse but the last month or so have been too much for me. Too many tests and too many painful realizations for me to continue on with my blind faith in the Universe.
It is all a leap of faith sure but I am too afraid to leap right now. I admit that with a heavy heart but I cannot be honest with myself without saying that. And I wont live in the fear forever, I know myself to well to lie like that as well but its what I need to do. My heart feels broken in a million pieces after so much pressure on it and it wasn’t one person who did this but many events and people over a period of time (and my own body breaking down in the last month) and I need to heal.
1.I know that everything my friends and loved ones say is meant to help.
2.I know it all comes from a place of love and that it eventually does help.
3.This is in no way an indictment of the kindness of those who love me. I appreciate and adore them and would be lost without them.
All that being said, let us begin.
My whole life I have had ups and downs emotionally. I range from depression to happiness like anyone else. As the years have passed I have found a way to crawl out of the depression in a more clear and healthy way. That doesn’t mean that I don’t still fall into the hole of it from time to time. It happens and I wallow for a bit and then usually move on.
This time it feels different. This time I feel as though I have hit the wall of my ability to have faith in the Universe. I know and still believe there is a plan behind it all. But as time goes on and things fall apart for me I have less and less faith that the Universe is going to come up with one big giant win for me. Maybe it will. Maybe it won’t. Problem is, I have a win. I’m happy. I’m going along and that nagging little voices is whispering in my ear “It won’t last. You know it’s all going to fall apart. You aren’t worthy of this happiness.” I have gotten much better at pushing that voice aside. But you know what? 9 out of 10 times that damn voice is RIGHT.
I feel humiliated by my blind faith in the Universe, by my going around saying this is great, this is going to work out. Im finally going to have the things that I want and be HAPPY. I ignored the little voice. I ignored my own gut instincts and I sit here, writing this and wondering about the point of it all. Yes Ce, I am having my very own existential crisis.
My friends are amazing, wonderfully strong and so supportive it makes me want to weep with joy at having been lucky enough to have found them. But they don’t know what to say. There is honestly nothing to BE said about it. What has happened to me in my life lately is what is happening. I cannot control it. I cannot ignore it. They cannot fix it. All they can do is love me and they do.
But I am sick of hearing the following phrases:
1.In the future, it’ll be easier (yes, I know this)
2.Their loss.
3.There is a plan and a lesson with this, as with everything.
4.You did the right thing
5.That right thing/person/alien life form will come along and you’ll be SO happy
The reason this stuff pisses me off? Because it doesn’t help me. It doesn’t soothe the pain and it doesn’t make me suddenly get up and say, “By God You are RIGHT! I feel better.” And that may not be the point. But its all that can be said to someone in pain. It doesn’t change the pain and it doesn’t make it go away. So I ask those that I love, don’t say it. Just love me and try to distract me from the pain I feel and let me just be in this space with it. I have lost my faith, I don’t know if it’ll come back because I can’t see that far ahead but it’s gone right now. I need to retreat for a bit and lick my wounds, wallow a bit and just sit with the pain and confusion that is inside me right now. I know this sounds melodramatic and really, I am quite aware things could be worse but the last month or so have been too much for me. Too many tests and too many painful realizations for me to continue on with my blind faith in the Universe.
It is all a leap of faith sure but I am too afraid to leap right now. I admit that with a heavy heart but I cannot be honest with myself without saying that. And I wont live in the fear forever, I know myself to well to lie like that as well but its what I need to do. My heart feels broken in a million pieces after so much pressure on it and it wasn’t one person who did this but many events and people over a period of time (and my own body breaking down in the last month) and I need to heal.
Monday, March 5, 2012
Depressing Thoughts
Its cliched but true that death makes you re-evaluate everything in your life. Your job, your friends, your lovers, your family, anything and everything gets shoved under a microscope and you study it until your cross-eyed, exhausted and want to throw up.
And you start asking yourself questions that are really fucking hard to answer.
What is the point of my job other than money? Is it fulfilling me? Is it feeding my soul? Are my friends doing these things as well? Am I doing these things for my friends? Am I making a difference in anyone’s life? Why am I still single (if single), why cant I find the one? Why do I keep finding the ones who don’t want me? Where is “Mr. Right” and why isn’t there a “Mr. Right Now” available to comfort me when I am feeling this low?
And on and on and on it goes…a revolving door of tragic thoughts, maudlin wallowing and overwhelming life questions. None of it makes me feel better and none of it serves a purpose really except to remind me that my friends and family love me and I them. That my job is pointless and boring and doesn’t do anything except pay my bills and maybe that’s not enough for me anymore. That I need to find something fulfilling and I don’t know how to find it or what it is exactly. And that men will always elude, confuse and mystify me.
So I feel cross-eyed, exhausted and kind of like I want to barf.
But as these things do, it will all pass.
And you start asking yourself questions that are really fucking hard to answer.
What is the point of my job other than money? Is it fulfilling me? Is it feeding my soul? Are my friends doing these things as well? Am I doing these things for my friends? Am I making a difference in anyone’s life? Why am I still single (if single), why cant I find the one? Why do I keep finding the ones who don’t want me? Where is “Mr. Right” and why isn’t there a “Mr. Right Now” available to comfort me when I am feeling this low?
And on and on and on it goes…a revolving door of tragic thoughts, maudlin wallowing and overwhelming life questions. None of it makes me feel better and none of it serves a purpose really except to remind me that my friends and family love me and I them. That my job is pointless and boring and doesn’t do anything except pay my bills and maybe that’s not enough for me anymore. That I need to find something fulfilling and I don’t know how to find it or what it is exactly. And that men will always elude, confuse and mystify me.
So I feel cross-eyed, exhausted and kind of like I want to barf.
But as these things do, it will all pass.
Tuesday, February 28, 2012
Fear and Loathing in Rhode Island
Im not quite sure I understand things anymore. I mean, I know that my understanding of the world changes all the time as I go through it but lately I feel out of sorts and completely out of my element. There has been too many changes and so many sad things happening around me that I wonder at the world and I wonder if I am living “correctly”.
Life turns on a dime and today, this minute even, could be my final moment on earth. I could croak as I type this stellar blog and you would never read it…
OK, well I’m still alive so I’ll keep going.
My point here isn’t to be depressing or maudalin but more to make a sense of the death and sadness around me. I woman I work with lost her baby when she was more than 5 months along. Another woman I work with found out her 23 year old son was in a terrible car accident in another state. She had to go at least 8 hours before she got to him and found out he was in fact still alive (he is currently doing very well and should make a mostly full recovery) add to that my Grandfather is dying. I am not particularly close to him but he is my last Grandparent. After this I am a Grandchild with no Grandparents. It seems so weird as my entire life I have known my Grandparents. Besides that I feel for my father who has to go through the sadness of losing his father (his mother died many years ago). There is nothing worse than watching someone you love in pain. It breaks your heart because you cannot help them.
So I say to myself, when I see those I love am I loving them enough. Do they know they are loved? Do they know that I love them so much it hurts to think about anything bad happening to them? Its very important to me that they all know this and I wonder if I show it enough? And what is enough really? I hug them, I tell them I love them and miss them when I don’t see them (sometimes I do a happy dance when I see them) but is THAT enough? I suppose it has to be.
All that goes on in life is a constant reminder of how precious it is and how we should live it fully without fear. But how do you get rid of fear? It lives in all of us to some extent and we act out in varying ways to avoid facing it. We pretend its not really fear but something else, we let it swallow us whole and hope for the best or we dig a hole, crawl and cover ourselves up to avoid life and therefore avoid getting hurt. I have done all of these things and all of them suck (pardon the less than poetic word choice) but its SO HARD to avoid fear and its even harder to NOT succumb to it. Its so enticing, they have cookies where fear lives and who doesn’t like a good cookie now and again?
In yoga we call it practice. Because we are always perfecting, always learning, always teaching and the same can be said for life itself. Life is practice, we are practicing to be better people, we are practicing so that when we come back (if you believe in that) you come back better, stronger, smarter. We practice so we have something to do. And not everyone practices, some people hide in their comfy holes and hope no one notices. Some people just don’t care and slog through life thinking that there is nothing else to it. That this is all there is.
I don’t know. I honestly don’t know and I guess that’s part of the practice too.
Dammit.
“…the trying of your faith worketh patience. But let patience have her perfect work, that ye may be perfect and entire, wanting nothing.”
Life turns on a dime and today, this minute even, could be my final moment on earth. I could croak as I type this stellar blog and you would never read it…
OK, well I’m still alive so I’ll keep going.
My point here isn’t to be depressing or maudalin but more to make a sense of the death and sadness around me. I woman I work with lost her baby when she was more than 5 months along. Another woman I work with found out her 23 year old son was in a terrible car accident in another state. She had to go at least 8 hours before she got to him and found out he was in fact still alive (he is currently doing very well and should make a mostly full recovery) add to that my Grandfather is dying. I am not particularly close to him but he is my last Grandparent. After this I am a Grandchild with no Grandparents. It seems so weird as my entire life I have known my Grandparents. Besides that I feel for my father who has to go through the sadness of losing his father (his mother died many years ago). There is nothing worse than watching someone you love in pain. It breaks your heart because you cannot help them.
So I say to myself, when I see those I love am I loving them enough. Do they know they are loved? Do they know that I love them so much it hurts to think about anything bad happening to them? Its very important to me that they all know this and I wonder if I show it enough? And what is enough really? I hug them, I tell them I love them and miss them when I don’t see them (sometimes I do a happy dance when I see them) but is THAT enough? I suppose it has to be.
All that goes on in life is a constant reminder of how precious it is and how we should live it fully without fear. But how do you get rid of fear? It lives in all of us to some extent and we act out in varying ways to avoid facing it. We pretend its not really fear but something else, we let it swallow us whole and hope for the best or we dig a hole, crawl and cover ourselves up to avoid life and therefore avoid getting hurt. I have done all of these things and all of them suck (pardon the less than poetic word choice) but its SO HARD to avoid fear and its even harder to NOT succumb to it. Its so enticing, they have cookies where fear lives and who doesn’t like a good cookie now and again?
In yoga we call it practice. Because we are always perfecting, always learning, always teaching and the same can be said for life itself. Life is practice, we are practicing to be better people, we are practicing so that when we come back (if you believe in that) you come back better, stronger, smarter. We practice so we have something to do. And not everyone practices, some people hide in their comfy holes and hope no one notices. Some people just don’t care and slog through life thinking that there is nothing else to it. That this is all there is.
I don’t know. I honestly don’t know and I guess that’s part of the practice too.
Dammit.
“…the trying of your faith worketh patience. But let patience have her perfect work, that ye may be perfect and entire, wanting nothing.”
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